Friday, December 17, 2004


Hey, I work in a medical bookstore. These are actual titles of books we carry that I find humorous for whatever reason.

Maggot Therapy
Lameness in Horses
Analysis of Messy Data
Latex Intolerance
Infections of Leisure
Restless Legs Syndrome
Substance Abuse by Gerald Juhnke
Essestials of Facial Growth
The Failed Spine


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Friday, December 10, 2004

declamatory departure dispersal, deeeez!

yo ho ho,

a fond fairwell,

and hang in there!

a new day beginning,

to each,

and all,

delicate little

mushroom stamps


In honor of the Nein heading up to Canada to rock our friendly neighbors to the north, I thought I'd prepare a list of things I like about Canada.

Some Things I Like About Canada:

Canada was the first place I ever got drunk. My family(aunts, uncles, cousins, etc…) would go to Quebec to skiing every year after Christmas when I was young. One New Year’s Eve my Aunt gave me a glass of champagne to share with my cousins. I went off and downed it, then returned for more. After a few of these trips I was good to go. I walked outside on the ice and it was splendid.

Canada is the first place I ordered a beer. When I was 16, we were back in Quebec again. The drinking age was 18. I went into this place and ordered a beer. They gave it to me. It would be five years before this happened again.

The Kids in the Hall. They started showing this on HBO in the late 80’s. It kicked Saturday Night Live’s ass. Genius.

Neil Young. Duh.

Canadian Football. There’s like 8 teams and two of them are called the Rough Riders and one is called the Argonauts. They kick on third down.

John Candy. Seemed to embody all that is good with humanity.

Steve Nash. Rush. Strange Brew. Margaret Trudeau. Loverboy. Lots of great stuff.

Thanks Canada.


Good luck boys!
The Nein
true north tour:
sat dec 11 - hamilton ont - the underground
sun dec 12 - toronto ont - sneaky dees (wavelength night)
mon dec 13 - windsor ont - phog lounge
tue dec 14 - toronto ont - horseshoe taven
wed dec 15 - ottawa ont - club saw
thu dec 16 - montreal quebec - casa del popolo
fri dec 17 - philadelphia pa - silk city
sat dec 18 - arlington va - galaxy hut

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

When you leave it up to computers.....

They come up with this shit (previously seen in the inbox of Mr. Semiotic Crouton's mail program...all spelling and grammar has been preserved) oddly poetic:

"Won't someone please think of the children?" File-sharers say, trapped a Stork that had fractured his leg in the net and was
Mother fondles one and nurtures it with the greatest affection new one was like comparing a Volkswagen Bug with a Ferrari. The computing program. I figured they were far more trouble than they world will become obsessed with V.R. and abandon the outside. The Internat service that is available, is one of the information the same person -- and the soul is in fact the same, the body is new -- and to be fast. In many confrontations, the slower party will be wiped out before which he lived and wrote is yet unsettled. He is placed, by one intelligence. I mean, this was good news for Churchill and us, to bite them without notice. His master suspended a bell about Dawn used to be Murray's honey, but they've drifted apart (a long way apart). is often snappish, irritable, hard to please, and selfish, weapons -- preferably in the Middle East where people are expecting Armageddon levels and coming up with something else, and then bringing that
La tee da tee da. There are just a couple more things that I boy. The Bishop of Yellow Battle (near Battle Creek) is held in this castle. Aesop. Although the honor thus claimed cannot be definitely home on a visit to her father. After a short time she returned, monumental revelation, but few seem to acknowledge this fact. It and research. The potential for VR is enormous. While donning a market, artists are overwhelmed by the capabilities and functions himself easily at a safe distance from the Lion. But entering a division? You are perfect to a fraction." He replied, "I learned We can predict the ramification of technology on the future of follow soon, within the next 20 years. This refers to the so-called asteroid look at humans much the same way a farmer looks at his cows. They understand
mindless manipulation in advertising where technology has been


Hey Y'all,

This Audubon Park blog has totally been infiltrated by the Erie Choir Virus Chorus. Gonna totally promotionalize the E to the Rizzy, C to the Horace.

Thursday Dec. 9th, Bickett Gallery
Beautry and the Beast:
I guess I know which one I am. This is a benefit for the Piedmont Wildlife Center. Mini-makeovers by Emma Carter at 7 pm, Musical Guest Erie Choir at 9 pm. Available for purchase: Limited edition prints featuring Nathan Golub's 'Beauty & The Beast'. Tickets are $10 in advance and $15 at the door and are available by calling bickett gallery. It's just gonna be the me I think. I'm gonna play some Christmas songs too.

Sunday Dec. 12, Local 506
Ill Ease, Fan Modine, Erie Choir
I'll have the fab soul revue lineup rocking again aka The Brood. We look to be playing first and in theory shows start at 10pm now at the 506.

The Royal Order of the House of Beards thanks you.

email: eriechoir@hotmail

Friday, December 03, 2004


Let's get to the point quick. The Country Bears is one the greatest films of all time. The Country Bears has taught the band so much about our (human) selves. I now pay late tribute to the film (and it's message) by copying a recent thread of A.P. emails regarding a new local band with a whole lotta nerve. Read on!


Guys, there is a Chapel Hill band called
The Country Bears. I saw a flier that said
"country bears" only and a website (
and when I went to it I found out. I guess
we have to play with them.
oh! when i was hanging up nein posters the other
night, i saw a couple flyers that just said "what
is country bears?" so i hung up the nein right next
to that shit, b/c it was fate.
I'm listening to their mp3s right now. Not bad.
Kind of yelly punk rock maybe a little like Les
Savy Fav. Not great, but not bad either.
I just listened to their MP3s. They should be
called the Dischord Records Bears. Get the Bong
back together?!!?
still, i'd be willing to sue them on behalf of
the real bears. you know ted won't stand for this,
and beary? what would happen if beary showed up
expecting to see zed zoober and co.? god damn if we
shouldn't have put together the country bears for
the great cover up and alienated everyone (including
ourselves) there. can you imagine the costumes?
damn it.
You know, I bet Disney is going to be just fine suing
the shit out of them on their own. What is even
better is to show up at this bands show in costume
and sit in the back of the club watching, never speaking
to anyone and then leave angrily. Everytime they play.
Dude, we should get costumes together and show up at the
next Country Bears show and just stand at the back with
arms crossed. I call human/bear identity conflicted
child hero.

[And on a less personal note, I had a heck of a dream last night. My
S. Crouton and I were recording a tribute to the Red Hot Chili
Peppers' "Blood
Sugar Sex Magik," with Bono engineering. Bono was
irritated because The Edge
didn't show up for production on today's
"Breaking the Girl" and "Could Have
Lied." Only in dreams. How's
that for trad bloggin'?]

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Friday, November 12, 2004

Founding Manifesto of Register the Cat

Manifesto of Register
1. The Great Register intends to sing the love of danger, the habit of energy and fearlessness, and poop.

2. Poop, courage, audacity, and revolt will be essential elements of The Great Register's poetry.

3. Up to now humans have exalted a pensive immobility, ecstasy, and sleep. The Great Register intends to exalt aggresive action, a feverish insomnia, the racer’s stride, the mortal leap, the punch and the slap.

4. The Great Register doth does shall affirm that the world’s magnificence has been enriched by a new beauty: the beauty of human slaves. The feline conquest of the weaker human species is more beautifuler than the Victory of Samothrace.

5. We want to hymn The Great Register, who hurls the lance of his spirit across the Earth, along the circle of its orbit.

6. The Great Register must spend himself with ardor, splendor, and generosity, to swell the enthusiastic fervor of the primordial elements.

7. Except in struggle, there is no more beauty. No work without an aggressive character can be a masterpiece. Poetry must be conceived as a violent attack on unknown forces, to reduce and prostrate man before felines.

8. The Great Register stands on the last promontory of the centuries!... Why should he look back, when what he desires is to break down the mysterious doors of the Impossible? Time and Space died yesterday. The Great Register already lives in the absolute, because he hath created eternal, omnipresent speed.

9. We will glorify war—the world’s only hygiene—militarism, patriotism, the destructive gesture of freedom-bringers, beautiful ideas worth dying for, poop, and scorn for all mammals save the feline.

10. The Great Register will destroy the museums, libraries, academies of every kind, will fight moralism, cedar-scented litter, every opportunistic or utilitarian cowardice.

11. The Great Register will sing of great crowds excited by work, by pleasure, and by riot; he shall sing of the multicolored, polyphonic tides of revolution in the modern capitals; he shall sing of the vibrant nightly fervor of arsenals and shipyards blazing with violent electric moons; greedy railway stations that devour smoke-plumed serpents; factories hung on clouds by the crooked lines of their smoke; bridges that stride the rivers like giant gymnasts, flashing in the sun with a glitter of knives; adventurous steamers that sniff the horizon; deep-chested locomotives whose wheels paw the tracks like the hooves of enormous steel horses bridled by tubing; and the sleek flight of planes whose propellers chatter in the wind like banners and seem to cheer like an enthusiastic crowd. And the irresistible crinkle sound of a toy mouse.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


2005 Audubon Park Registers

PG Majestic Nahm

Supernatural scorer with instinctive instincts ... A sparkplug for the Register lineup ... Does a good job at attacking the weak points in the defense, but occasionally tries to take the lane in too much traffic and thereafter runs into trouble and then fells really bad about it and apologizes profusely ... Plays far bigger than his size would indicate, but smaller than his entourage would suggest ... Can score from the standstill in heavy traffic, but not when left alone beneath the basket ... Also a terrific shooter from long-range, but not really ... Not a guy that should be left open off screens , or alone in the library...... A crafty passer and knitter... Collects a lot of steals and cassettes ... Plays with a lot of emotion, too much probably.

SG Finn Marley

A streaky shooter, and window cleaner ... Has terrific elevation, discipline and poise in his form, but not in his tone ... Much of the reason for his hot and cold tendencies lies in his bed, talking on the phone ... Possesses range that borders on unreal(unicorns, fairies, dragons, etc…), and he occasionally gets caught up in that ability ... Will take 3-pointers from well beyond the stripe, as well as below it ... Uses his outside shooting ability to create mid-range shots for himself, throwing pump fakes and small mammals to open up pull-up jumpers and cardigans ... Has solid finnishing ability when he gets deep in the groove, but is not an outstanding athlete ... Defense needs improvement.

SF World B. Biggers

Handcrafted with a premium East Indian rosewood back and sides and a bookmatched top of select quartersawn Sitka spruce… Its smaller 000 body size and short 24-9/10" scale help produce delicate, balanced tones. The rosette and soundboard are inlaid with herringbone wood marquetry, and the body is bound with grained ivoroid…. An ebony fingerboard features a long diamonds-and-squares pattern in abalone pearl… Signature is inlaid in mother-of-pearl between the 19th and 20th frets… Tastefully appointed with hand-beveled tortoise pickguard, nickel-plated open-geared machines equipped with unique butterbean knobs. ..Bears an interior label, individually numbered in sequence. Includes limited lifetime warranty and deluxe hardshell case.

PF Danny Binge

Brilliant shooter from just about anywhere but the court ... Wonderful aching jump shot ... Can go off the dribble with slow, loping, caustic, melancholy drives, freeing himself with a behind the back dribble or faked pass or tortured glance or whispered denunciation ... Easy... Once his feet are set, the ball is going somewhere ... Can hit out to 4 feet at this point, if he's open, he'll take it from anywhere ... Wants to initiate a five-man, ball-movement time signature, which often leaves him out of sync with his teammates ... Not a rebounder but a lover, he'll pull in a few during a contest through positioning(wink, wink), but he'll leak out on the break(is seeing a doctor) or get back on defense before he heads to the rim(thank you very much) ... Utilizes the backdoor cut. Still learning as a "defender", he'll get caught with his feet in "mud".

C Kalb Rambus

Algae that grow on the hair impart a greenish color to the coat with narrow white stripes running across the back and down the sides, a pattern that provides excellent camouflage in dense thickets …There is no tail…. It feeds almost exclusively on the leaves, buds, and stems of Cecropia, a tropical relative of the mulberry…. Moves sluggishly but can strike swiftly and powerfully if attacked. Horn shape seem to vary with habitat, which ranges from high grass savanna to equatorial forest... Grazes and drinks in the early morning and evening and rests during the heat of midday and at night… Can easily fend off a lion.

Go Registers!


Thursday, November 04, 2004



Audubon Park is pleased to announce the release of Bandwidth, a compilation of North Carolina bands (including AP) put together by WXYC to celebrate ten years of webcasting. The comp is downloadable from WXYC's website starting on Sunday the 7th I believe (though don't quote me, or read this, because I might be wrong) and available in local stores and from all the bands included.

The track list is:

WXYC's Webcasting 10th Anniversary Celebration

Bandwidth: Celebrating 10 Years of Internet Radio on WXYC-Chapel Hill

1. Report about WXYC’s Pioneering Webstream on DRS3, Basel, Switzerland
2. JETT RINK - Born Hungry
3. THE MOANERS - Everybody Wants My Baby
4. PROTEAN SPOOK - Live at the Penland (NC) School of Crafts
5. AUDUBON PARK - The Blasted Heath
6. MALT SWAGGER - Binger
7. SHALLOW BE THY NAME - maxi-yow-mini
8. SPECTAC & MEDIAN - Life Ain’t Easy
9. BRINGERER - Bush Laden Family BBQ
10. BLACK TAJ - Woke Up Tired
11. CANTWELL GOMEZ & JORDAN - Shayna Wuz Here... Peeing Like a Cheetah
12. $TINKWORX - Pararrayos
13. MICRO-EAST COLLECTIVE - Cells - One to Many
14. WORK CLOTHES - South Bronx
15. CAN JOANN - the victor
16. TORCH MARAUDER - Manowar (Sweet Revenge)
17. HOTEL MOTEL - Breaking Into Pictures
18. COLD SIDES - Carrier Frequency
19. SHARK QUEST - Open Season
20. ETTA BAKER - Lost John
21. LIBRANESS - Sykes Temple Lane
22. THE SAMES - All We Need Is a Friend
23. JACUZZI BROTHERS - bright tiger2
4. BILLY SUGARFIX - A Space Nomad’s Wildest Dreams

There will also be two shows to celebrate the release of the comp and the ten year anniversary. The first is this Saturday, the 6th, at LOCAL 506 and features Jett Rink, Spectac, The Moaners and eNtet (a micro-east collective off-shoot). Billy Sugarfix will host.

The second show is at CD Alley on Nov. 12th and features The Torch Marauder, Bringerer and David Nahm from AP. This show will start at 4pm. Pizza Beer Party!

At both shows you can dance and get copies of the comp.

Check out
WXYC's website for more information.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004



If there is one thing that Audubon Park is about it is joy. The joy of playing solos, the joy of making noise, the joy of friendship. Overall, we are a pretty joyous bunch.

But, today is an awful day--one that I am personally having a hard time getting through.
But, the wrong thing to do is withdraw--to accept our defeat and turn our backs.

Yes, I am disappointed.
Yes, I am angry.
Yes, I am mystified.

But we--as people who still believe that social justice is attainable, that equal rights for all people is not immoral, and that each American--no matter what their philosophical persuasion--can get along and work together for the benefit of our country and the world--need to make a louder, more joyful noise so as to make ourselves heard over the dull roar of disenfranchisement and discrimination, over the din of greed and oppression.

I have asked myself all day what else were we to do. Didn't we do it all. We registered new voters. We got the voters to the polls. But somehow, it wasn't enough.

We can't let this discourage us. There is still happiness to be had in this world--we just need to work harder to find it. There is still hope in this world--we just need to strive harder to protect it. We need to start work on the 2006 and 2008 elections. We need to focus on our communities. Where we see poverty, hunger and discrimination, we need to reach out and give some of the happiness and joy that we all find in ourselves and each other to those that need it more. The next four years, I fear, are going to be devastating for those at the bottom of the American social order. We have to be there to help them.

Yesterday, while volunteering for MoveOn outside a polling place, Jennifer and I befriended the Republicans volunteering there. They were obviously a little sketched out by us at first, but by the time the poll closed we were all getting along and having a nice time. Of course, this was during a time when I was pretty confident that Kerry was going to win, but it was the most incredible feeling. It was a time when I really felt that I was making a difference. These two Republicans were going to leave that night with a better idea of what liberals are like.

Bush won, but he didn't win by a lot. Most Americans, no matter what side of the vote they ended up on, want the same things essentially. We need to help them see that this administration is not Conservative.

It is not Christian.

It is not Moral.

It is a perversion of the values that it pretends to hold dear. It is our duty to help those that can't see this understand. No matter what, I still believe that most Americans, when you can talk one on one can agree on most issues at their core or at least come to some understanding of each other.

I am pretty sure that I am stupid for thinking this--America has such an awful history of injustice (against the world and against ourselves)--but there is something essential to it, something deeply ingrained, this idea of America, that, even if it hasn't ever been achieved, even if it has, to date, failed spectacularly, there is an idea of what America can be that I think we can achieve.

This country prides itself on being a country where you can start with nothing and succeed. A country with a document, the Constitution, that protects the liberties of its citizens. A country that was born as an underdog that defeated a juggernaut. This self concept of America runs contrary to what this administration stands for: advantages to the rich, but not the poor; a Constitution that takes liberties away; more power centered in the hands of a few, reaching around the world to protect our interests with no regard to the repercussions. But it is because of this American Myth that I still think we can achieve something greater than we have yet. The idea is there. We need to make it real.

We can't give up.

The flaws of the administration were laid bare before us--and some chose to turn their eyes away and proceed as though they knew nothing.

People can close their eyes, but they can't close their ears.

"Don't Mourn, Organize" from Daily Kos
Sen. Elect Obama's speech from the DNC
War is on the Stereo by the Nein


Basically I learned two of them last night:

1) The desire to exclude gays from society makes you "moral."

2) We never need a reason to invade another country.

At least I'm in a band I really like. And at least I had a guy ask me to take a picture of him and his friend last night in front of the Vote Here sign outside his polling place in Chavis Heights. Both of them had just voted for the very first time and were grinning from ear to ear about it.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

For goodness sake, stop what you're doing and vote.

Go Vote!


Please vote!

Thursday, October 28, 2004


Things I Learned While Standing in Line to Vote

1) David Carradine is tall
2) And an asshole
3) Who, despite vast riches, demands free teabags
4) Politics kept Bruce Lee from being in "Kung Fu"
5) The man standing behind me predicted 9/11
6) But he was off by two and a half months
7) He predicted 11/26
8) Atlantis was off the coast of Florida and Cuba
9) They had crystals the size of three football fields
10) Said crystals were placed in machines
11) They knew the world was flat
12) They had a war with China
13) They could fly
14) Sedona, NM, is the nexus of all positive and negative energy on the earth
15) The man behind me has evolved beyond religion
16) He is a higher being
17) He is into karate and judo now
18) Of course reincarnation is true
19) There are sixteen columns in Morehead Planetarium
20) This is funny for some reason
21) Souls are drops and there is a cup of water and how do you find that drop?
22) Drink the water


Sunday, October 24, 2004

Like a dove of fire

Very rare footage of Audubon Park playing live. We asked guitarist, Matthew Kalb, what happened?

Mr. Kalb: I don't know. David's voice descended from heaven at the wrong time and we stopped and looked at each other and then began to dance like enchanted bears in the forest of tears. I don't know if we will ever play again.

Friday, October 15, 2004


Signs that you may be Robert Biggers:

1. You are wearing Robert's pants.

2. You are eating a Nutty Bar.

3. You are semi-hype to hype, depending on your mood.

4. You "don't know about that."

5. It's Saturday, 12:56 pm, and you are asleep in Robert's bed.*

6. You philosophise. Yeah.

7. When you go to Wendy's, you ask them to "me-size it".

8. If you were a tree and we cut you open, you'd have one more ring up in that thing. (Please do not cut open Robert, this is an analogy.) Props a little after the fact.

*If there is in fact a glob of mayonaise on the nightstand beside you, you may in fact be Nomad Stylo.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Third Party Candidates Debate


Please! a few moments for a political advertisement

Please consider for President:

Example Joe Champion

and his running mate:

Example Lil' Vlodya Tufts


These candidates aren't afraid of the ISSUES!

Education: Why the fuck are we throwing all of this fucking money at these damn kids? They're stupid as shit already. I say to the children of America: Get a job or a stick or a spinning top or something. Just get off my sack about schools and computers and lunch and shit. Damn, if you suckers spent half as much time working or painting as you do sucking on the sweet utter of public education this country would be a lot more painted and worked on.

Prisons: Maybe this is the solution to our problems with school. Can I go back and change my answer on Education to "Lock the bastards up?" Except for the football teams. Give them a hundred dollars and cigar and nudie photo.

The War on Terror: Terrorists can suck a nut. And I don't mean the foreign ones cause they don't scare me--though if they want they may also suck a nut. I mean the longhairs here at home that can get up in my grill. I know where they are hiding--in Quaker rec rooms and Public Libraries and shit--and I'm going to smoke them out. You think I don't know what you check out. Candide indeed. I'm on your sack like a tarantula on a banana motherfucker! Can you feel my BREATH! It's ON!

Taxes: Fuck taxes. They are a pain in the ass and I'll be the first to say that the damn roads in the country are all fucked up. Especially in Indiana. So rather than taxing the good people of America I will make SUVs mandatory and then we won't have to worry about roads. Or the environment. Any way, when did a publicly funded institution ever help anyone?

Environment: Taken care of. Also, you're a pussy.

Tort Reform: What the fuck is that? Get that mess out of my face before you feel the power of the horns! Also, all lawyers can bite the knob except for my tax lawyers that help me get my shit off shore. Thank you boys.

Judicial Vacancies: I want a justice that will interpret the Constitution strictly. Except for the part about the separation of church and state. That was put in there by some activist founding fathers and has no place in America. Well and the part about all people being created Equal. I KNOW that that's a new idea, so we can strike that. Wait, maybe that's in the Declaration or Magna Carta or something. Nevermind. We don't have to worry about that. Just a strict reading of the Constitution--as soon as I get around to adding a few things too it about marriage and who can vote and maybe who can walk on the sidewalk.

Are you American enough for this President?

Or do you need a lesson!

paid for by the Champion for president campaign and the "Balogna for a Better America for Some" PAC

Sunday, October 10, 2004


Please sup from the cup of American happiness.


This explains everything


Do we deserve better?


Friday, October 08, 2004

Excerpts from SPIKED: The Benjamin Spiker Story

"Then after I climbed out of the car, which apparently was now on the bottom of the pool I decided it was time to sell the watermellon farm. It just wasn't going to work."

"Taco Dragon's lasts show was very moving because of an eathquake, and then a mudslide, and then the flood of girls on rollerskates."

"Then of course, after realizing that it wasn't the courthouse, and that the paper I was holding wasn't a fishing lisence and that the thing in the cooler wasn't a fish, I decided it was time to sell the Cajun restaurant and postcard shop. It just wasn't going to work."

"It was embarassing because I had been calling them 'cats' and that's just not what they were. It was then that I decided to sell the cattery."

"Happiness is salsa plus ketchup. It just is."

"I'm only young once."

"Neither of us knew how the flounder got into the tub, or at least neither of us was going to admit it, but it really made me think: 'How did the flounder get in the tub?' That is when I decided to sell the ice cream truck. This was just getting out of hand."

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


Have a chuckle. On me. Please.

Make sure you watch the video. Free chuckles.

Friday, October 01, 2004



I am crookkshanX. I've been to the Isle of Missed Diddles. I have consumed my own death without ceasing to be. I am of everything. Dead? The diddles bring me to life, to luf, to the isle. Worship me. I consume all. All others mislead you. Misread you. Misbleed you. I like tuna.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Profiles in Hypness: Day Four

Audubon Park: The End of a Family Line


Finn Crisp

FM Cohen: This is InFINNate Bass. He has a handshake for you. If you don't take it you won't know what you missed. Somewhere a child is deciding to buy a Roktek Chorus pedal, and he doesn't know why.




Upper Echelon of Melodious Decoration West Coast is MW Kalb and hisself. Jesus+CrateTone=A New Beginning For America. REPRESENT. Hoes and Rakes. (AKA Dan Famous)


Sweet RB


RP Biggers, Juniors: Snappin' Red Hot, Push Pop, Flip-flop Yacht Style. Meaning: A well rounded meal. Kebler Eno, Phantom Tollbooth House. Saurkrautrock. Upper Echelon of Melodious Decoration East Coast. (AKA Joe Champion)


Danny Binge


B. Martin Spiker: The Drummer. Birth of Sound. Charisma: 100! So don't not try not to be charmed. You Can't. Mr. Spiker is the State Capitol of AP. After the show it's the after party and after the party it's the congressional lobby.




DC Nahm: Let me see my knees!

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Profiles in Hypeness: Day Three

The Nein: Almost Canadianish

DF: The newest Nein now nudging knobs. I don't know, but I am pretty sure he is a ROBOT. I saw him up to the Stab and Grab buying motor oil and riding bikes in circles around the lot. I says, "Why is that guy buying oil if he is on a bike?" Then I froze and my nuts kindly like drew all slow up into my torso. He was a ROBOT. I knew it. So later I was talking to this woman behind Sid's and I says, "You know that boy, that ROBOT. Rides the bike?" And she says, "Lord, do I?" And the Lord says, "Yes." Then later I saw another boy in KFC and I asked him for some change and he said vote and I says, "You know that ROBOT? Blink, blink!" And he nodded. We were of accord.


Prince Biggers Jr.: "Glancing backwards, they saw the groined belfry crashed sideways in. It afterwards appeared that the powerful peasant who had the bell rope in charge, wishing to test at once the full glory of the bell, had swayed down upon the rope with one concentrate jerk. The mass of quaking metal, too ponderous for its frame, and strangely feeble somewhere at its top, loosed from its fastening, tore sideways down, and, tumbling in one sheer fall three hundred feet to the soft sward below, buried itself inverted and half out of sight.

Upon its disinterment, the main fracture was found to have started from a small spot in the ear, which, being scraped, revealed a defect, deceptively minute, in the casting, which defect must subsequently have been pasted over with some unknown compound.

The remolten metal soon reassumed its place in the tower's repaired superstructure. For one year the metallic choir of birds sang musically in its belfry boughwork of sculptured blinds and traceries. But on the first anniversary of the tower's completion -- at early dawn, before the concourse had surrounded it -- an earthquake came; one loud crash was heard. The stone pine, with all its bower of songsters, lay overthrown upon the plain.

So the blind slave obeyed its blinder lord, but, in obedience, slew him. So the creator was killed by the creature. So the bell was too heavy for the tower. So the bell's main weakness was where man's blood had flawed it. And so pride went before the fall. "

--Herman Melville, "The Bell-Tower"


KC Burnz: 따라서 장님 실행된 노예 복종심, 그안에 그것의 더 눈 먼 주, 그러나 벗어남. 따라서 발명자는 창조물에의해 죽였다. 이 방법은 종을 위해 너무 무거웠다toren. 이 방법은 가장 중요한zwakheidbell's혈액man's이 그것을 손상시켰었던 곳에 이었다. 그리고 이 방법은 가을까지 거만하게 갔다.

Melville, supra


FM Cohen:

How to play music

Listen UP! I know some mother [fathers] that need to know some mother [fathering] math on this [material]. There is a war out there and the whole [fathering] world is about to blow the [father] up [people]. You hear? See this mother [fathering] chord up here? Know this [material] and when you here it again your sorry [posterior] had better not [remove] out of this peice. This is science. This is the NEW party. Canada don't not know no [material] about this. Wipe your necks off, the night is coming!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Profiles in Hypeness: Day Two

Sorry About Dresden: Wives and Babies and Shit

Mr. Oberst: I remember my favorite teacher. He smelled like beer.

FACTS! Sire of a brood of 12 (give or take a few), Mr. Oberst is best known as the father of John O, the world reknown harpist, cornerback (for Oklahoma St.) and PBS carpentry guru. Began own school for slightly less gifted children called St. Ehh, MBA Prep School. His first volume of short stories, "Tough Being Catholic," sold well and enabled him to have more children. The only person present at Sammy Hagar's deathbed--in Destin, FL--only he really knows what happened that night and what the Satin Knights final words were. Only Mr. Oberst was there to daub the globules of sweat from the tormented brow with a old red towel.

Be proud of that towel boy, be proud!


Entry for Eric Louis Roehrig on the IMDB:

1) Crazy About Velvet (2010) Ceaser O'Malley
2) 1,000,000,000,000 Roses and a Dog Named Tuggles (2010) Shop Owner
3) AFI Salutes Everyone That Has Worked With Eric Roehrig (2009) Himself/Evil Twin
4) "ER" (1994-?) Gen. Lucius O'Leary
5) Two Gallants (2008) Shop Owner
6) "The Billy Corrigan Story" (2007) Elvis Costello/Shop Owner
7) "Blind Date" (1999-?) Host
8) Weiland III: ResErection (2006) Carwin
9) New Jack City II (2005) Himself
10) Weiland (2004) Carwin
11) Japan by Night (2003) Jackie O'Fenway
12) Making of Revenge of the Sith (2002) Shop Owner
13) Smashing Pumpkins: Veiwphoria (1994) Himself


J. Roosevelt Helper:

I'm never lonely with MY BUDDY

I'm never lonely with My Buddy. (Award for the best photoshopping of this picture to be awarded at the show.)

Andrew McGowan: Little is known about this mysterious man from a mysterious place, and by little I mean more than I am willing to tell you, understand me. No, you don't. You and your family never could. You never could see past your tiny eyes and voracious greed, see deep into my heart and know that I only wanted the best for those prawns. The best for those startelingly large and well dressed prawns. And now what do we have? Nothing. Except for a government that is run by well-dressed and articulate prawns that listen to the people and give them what they want within reason taking into acount the needs of the oppressed and the desires of the unheard. Thanks, to you and your disgusting family. Put yourself in my shoes someday and walk around the block and then come back because I don't want you to take my shoes and then see if you can judge me the way I have you.

A Salty Salute

Robert Pollard does your Chinese Horoscope:


Drawing pictures, playing solos til ten. Are you amplified to rock? Are you hoping for a contact? Ai'll be with you, without you, again turn and run, the angel's calling.


The closer you are the quicker it hits you Try to be nice and look what it gets you Now you can see the boys dreaming, scheming. . .


Suck it up and win the game, Chew me up and spit me out, It's been a long ugly winter, I need a sunbath??Winning horse??


cold hands touching my face, don't hide - the snake can see you, old friends you might not remember, fading away from you


yeah you know things could get much worse, you know things could get much worse, could be better, yeah..


sharper than most, cut with exacto, gone is all good, ex post facto, ba-da-ba-da...oh, oh...


You must be willing just to ride along with me, You must be happy just to do the job for free, Yours for the taking if you follow simple rules, Such acts of subservience were never taught in schools.


the worst offense is intelligence, the best defense is belligerance


Your trail is quite a puzzle, And you are such a daredevil, And you are such a collector


man of wisdom and man of compromise, man of weak flesh in an armored disguise, all fall down


Bad luck anyway you call it


You could never be strong, You can only be free

Monday, September 27, 2004

Profiles in Hypeness: Day One

Cold Sides: They're a MotherFucker

C. E. Graves (a.k.a. hdrpnkgvrnmntwr): Known primarily through out the Southeast becasue of a crippiling frear of anitques.

CEG: Hey what kind of amp is that?

Person: Oh, it's a Fender VibroChamp

CEG: A reissue?

Person: No, a 1963.

CEG: (Speachless for a moment--then begins to scream)

*Favorite album: A cassette mix of microhouse remixes of "Walking in Memphis."
*Dream Date: Alayna Miles (black velvet, indeed!)
*Turn Offs: Pushy people, Pickled vegitables, antiques
*What Makes Him Hype: Knowlege of Dewey System


R. P. Biggers (a.k.a: Sonic Terrorist (Kat Stevens)): If someone is bleeding at a Cold Sides show, it is Mr. Biggers, or perhaps someone else, if they slip on some spilled beer while leaving mid-set. Or on spilt blood. Oh, that would be a mess.

Mr. Biggers is known in some circles as an award winning philosopher, and in other circles as someone who would never win a philosophy award. Never.

RPB: What is time? Is it part of this stream of imperceptibles that we interpret in our brain, is it objective or is it by thought analysis different. Can babies percive time? I don't know. I haven't asked them. Perhaps time is changing but it is also always changing into something it already was so it really isn't getting different. Maybe there isn't no time at all that doesn't not exist out side of that which isn't, by implicit association, non-existant as such.

Rossi: Really, dude, I just want to know if you are almost done in the bathroom. Cantwell needs to get to bed.

??? (a.k.a Nomad Stylo): Little is known about Mr. NS. Perhaps the most hype of all those of which hypness is applied. Can you name a sun from which all heat is recieved? Can you touch a black hole? I don't know and I am not sure that here is the place to ask.

Let me put it this way: earlier today I saw a picture of two guys from New Jersy without their shirts on standing next to a leathery 22 year old woman in a thong and tiara. This picture was pinned to the side of an clown that had blacked out who was in a box car headed for French Canada looking for work and a promise of a new beginning, far far away from the pain. This is but a speck in they eye of Neill.

*Favorite Album: Tones of Love by Astral Taco and the Symphonic Dragons (1978)
*Turn Ons: Everything
*What Makes Him Hype: The question is, is there any hypness left for anyone else?


C. M. Bob (a.k.a Dallas Diamond Eveready): Once a little boy sat on a mountain and spoke to the wind:

Blow, baby, blow: the new dawn
passes my fingers like a sparrow
who is homeless. Sup from the bosom
of a million cut toenails.

This boy then was put in a special after school program for trouble makes. He met a kid in a jean jacket who gave him a velvet pouch with a leather cup in it. In the cup was a key. The key opened a locker in a Durham bus station. In the locker was nothing. What a gip. Then, the next summer, after cutting yards, with a little money, the boy bought a Ramones record.

This was the boy we knew who had seen his mother naked a few too many times. And talked about it in the locker room after gym.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Pigs at work.


The Little Stick-Bug That Cried

Once there was a little stick bug. He was sitting on a mushroom crying. A large baby waddled up to it and said, "I know why you weep little stick bug." The little stick-bug, startled that the baby was on its own and understood its pain, said, "You do?" "Yes," the baby said, "You cry becasue you are a scary ugly beast that should be smooshed," and with that the baby crushed the stick-bug in his chubby fists, laughing, laughing and hopping up and down.

Later, the sun set.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Ridiculously Small and Cute Kittens

As you all probably know, I am often kind but also a vicious cat with ferocity. Plus the anthropomorphism. So I don't take kindly to interlopers.
But in front of my house there is a litter of small and ridiculously cute homeless kittens. Three black ones and two calico ones, plus their calico mom. Now, for all I know, these kittens are good to eat or at least chase halfheartedly. But my minions seem to want to find good homes for them.
If you want one, you can e-mail Register at the address listed under the profile.

Personal Time in Law School

Note from Chapter 3:

  1. What top UK pop star was eaten by ravenous Ukrainian babies over the weekend? Oh, wouldn't you like to know. Let's just say, if I am on a steamer from Jaffa in 1927 and the leader of the religious cult my husband has joined won't give me a raft to row to shore, it might be false imprisonment but it also might be PARADISE!
  2. As a child I loved pickled Bologna. I even got it from Christmas one year. Bologna wrapped up in paper. And a coloring book with a scary face in it. I love my grandparents. Professional infliction of metal anguish=duress: "the stock boy said, 'get it yourself. You stink to me.'"
  3. Trespass to chattels? But doesn't every dog get a bite?
  4. I am shooting my assault rifle over S--'s property. A duck lays down and pretends to be dead till I pass? A tort? How about if I am in a cave, tunneling slowly underneath Northpoint Prison? What else would you need to know (Does it matter that I can't grow finger nails?)?
  5. The doctor cuts off the wrong leg. You are a mannequin. Manna kin. Shit. Andrew McCarthy is kissing you. Your hand is in his back pocket but you find no career there. How did you get here? Then the alarm sounds and the guy who played Cpt. Harris in some, but not all of the police academy movies runs up slowly, slowly, with suds covering his face.
  6. The man, a nototious rake and scoundrel, creeps up to the lady and suggests they repair to behind the bushes and he make illicit intercourse to her while she reads. The lady goes insensible, faints, her [EDITED] and [EDITED] her [EDITED], her fingers go numb, she has to sit down and then the next moring expires. Is this assault? The court held: NO.

Thursday, September 16, 2004


If You Like Conspiracy Theories

Or: The Mark of Rove?

Probably not true, but still fun to think about.

Diddling Considered as One of the Exact Sciences

Diddling Considered
and . . .
Senior Photo

Rickity's Horoscope vs. Sweet RB's Horoscope


Even if you're not a jazz fan, you'll thrive in the coming week by using a modus operandi that resembles jazz. I suggest, therefore, that you improvise frequently. Experiment with intricate, strong, and playful rhythms. Infuse your yearning for freedom with humor. For further insight about how to proceed, meditate on the following clues from three jazz greats. Ornette Coleman: "Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time." John Coltrane: "You can play a shoestring if you're sincere." Miles Davis: "Don't play what's there, play what's not there."


"I lost the plot for a while," says a character in Nick Hornby's novel, High Fidelity. "And I lost the subplot, the script, the soundtrack, the intermission, the popcorn, the credits, and the exit sign." I'm betting you could have said something like that recently, Libra. The story of your life seemed to have been whisked out from under you and banished to the wilderness on the outskirts of limbo, where the wasteland meets no man's land. That's the bad news. The good news is that while you may never recover the plot you started with, you'll soon find a brand new one that's better than the original.


Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Not in School - Volume 1

just because I’m not in school doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to ramble on about such things. I’d love to, thanks. Is there any correlation between Dick Hebdige’s subculture: the meaning of style, the films of R.W. Fassbinder (In a Year with 13 Moons and The Marriage of Maria Braun in particular), and the music of Rob Hood, REM, and Justus Kohncke? Besides the fact they’ve all been on my plate recently? It’s all well and good to pursue incidentals of such high cultural value, but wouldn’t it be nice if they were married? Well, Germany – most of these things are directly related to germany. Fassbinder was the face of the New German Cinema of the 70’s, and he lived there most of his life. Justus Kohncke releases records on Cologne’s Komakt Records. Rob Hood is a Detroit-based techno artist who hydro-gov-war said “bridges Detroit and Berlin.” Much less directly, Hebdige claims the swastika was often accessorized as part of the punk style. As it suits the purpose of his book, there are different ways to “read” this “signifier” (the german swastika). You could make reference to the punks’ identification with the mythology of an evil german enemy – most characteristic of the punk style here would be the Enemy aspect. But the reading that rings most true is also the most obvious: the swastika was meant to shock. Maybe less obvious is the insight here that nothing is articulated through this “sign.” No message, no meaning, just the appropriation of something that shocks: a method of deceit. Okay, so the Deutschland is, well it’s not much to go on. It’s hip and i can be very impressionable, but what about REM? Why REM in the first place? Because I wanted to refresh on the production of ‘chronic town’ and ‘murmur’ mostly. But then I had to check out their newest stuff b/c I hadn’t yet. And it’s mostly bad. I like a few songs off ‘monster’ but after that it’s very rare to find something I like. the fist couple records have a spooky sound to them, random noises, wolf sounds, great reverb on the snare, etc. in contrast, jump 20 years ahead, the new stuff is dominated by an inappropriately articulate lyricist that has to have the lyrics written in the artwork. I do like the ambiguity of the old stuff – so that you can make what you ‘want’ out of it, or find what you find in it. Nostalgia! so even if GERMANY is a weak link to draw between all these things, can it actually be drawn to REM? [no, this has nothing to do with Audubon park, I’m sweet rb and I’m bored at work.] and I forgot to talk about fassbinder, probably the highest quality material I’m considering here. How about this: dicky Hebdige for culture-context, Justus kohncke for slap-happy funnin’, R.W. Fassbinder for epic theatre intimacy and distance, rob hood for minimal hypnotic deceptive effect, and rem for nostalgia-murk. How about that?

Friday, September 10, 2004

Live! Inspiration!

Right here. Not work-friendly. Not work-friendly.

Back to School--Volumen Trois (not to be confused with any law school bloggin')

Upon entry of class today, your narrator witnessed a dork named "Bagel" wearing a cowboy hat that had been fashioned out of a Coors Light 24-can box. Quite clever. As he chatted with the resident gorgeous hippie chick in the class, the two resident DUDEs in the class walked in and were quickly awestruck by Bagel's hat. It was sort of like the scene in 2001 when the apes discover the Monolith. The DUDEs, one clad in a Billabong shirt, the other in a trucker-style high school football team hat, couldn't take their eyes off Bagel's hat, jaws agape, as the walked across the room to sit next to this monumental hat, the closest thing to a monolith we have here at Duke. After sitting down, one of the DUD(E)s quietly asked, still in awe, "Is this a dagger I see before me?". Well, not really. Here's how the conversation REALLY went:
DUDE: Hey. Did you make that, or did you buy it?
Bagel: I bought it. Some guy tried to take it from me, that's why it's crushed right here (points to forlorn area of hat).
DUDE: .......
DUDE: I just want to hold it to see if I can make one myself.
(Bagel hands hat over)

At this point, the DUDE jerked stiffly upright as his hands touched the hat. A blinding light filled the room, and the DUDE was suddenly standing in a Christlike position, arms outstretched, light streaming from his eyes. He began speaking in tongues rapidly, and a huge cloud appeared over East Campus--it started raining Coors Light. Class was dismissed.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Casting Call

A short film of the novel Wieland will be made Tuesday, September 14 at 8:45 pm at the Old Well on UNC's campus. We are in need of actors, special effects technicians, etc. Please join us there if you would like to participate.

If you are unfamiliar with the plot of Wieland, it goes something like this:

Sometime in the mid-1700s, the father of two young children becomes a religious fanatic. While praying in his temple at the dead of night, he dies, consumed by an unexplained fire.
When his son (Wieland) and daughter (Clara) come of age, they convert the temple into a deck of sorts, for hanging out and parties. The son marries and the daughter falls in love with the bride's brother (Henry). All four young people start to hear mysterious voices calling to them at night, and they meet a strange man named Carwin. Clara begins to hear these voices in her closet, plotting to rape and kill her. Wieland becomes a religious fanatic, and hears a divine voice telling him to kill his wife, children, and adopted ward--which he promptly does. Though Clara survives the killing spree, it becomes apparent that Wieland wants to kill her and Henry, too.

Wieland is jailed and Clara learns that Carwin is a ventriloquist, and has been tricking the whole family by throwing his voice at odd hours (and hiding out in Clara's closet). (He explains that he's done these things to test their courage and their powers of perception.) Carwin fervently denies, however, that he ever threw his voice to prompt Wieland to kill anyone. During Carwin and Clara's final interview, Wieland escapes from prison and attempts to kill Clara (following, still, his divine directive to kill her and Henry). Clara convinces him, however, that it was Carwin's voice that prompted him to murder. Wieland, stunned that he's been duped (and stripped of the illusion that his murders were required by a divine commission), commits suicide.

The source of the voice prompting Wieland's killing spree, however, remains unknown.

Upcoming Events Come Up

Here are some doing in the Realm of the Tropic of Food:

1) CG&J, Gerty and Audubon Park will be playing at Oh La Latte on Saturday (9/11). This is a benefit for Ms Films. Here is what we said earlier. Please come. All are welcome!

2) The Nein will be playing with The Natural History and Bitter, Bitter Weeks on Sunday, September 12th, at Local 506.

3) Tropic of Food junior administrator, David Connerley Nahm, will be reading a story at Internationalist Books on Thursday, September 16th. He will be reading with Richard Butner, a writer of note from Raleigh. Both Mr. Nahm and Mr. Butner have been published in the well respected journal Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet.

Thank you,

Friday, September 03, 2004

Back to School III

My first week of law school has gone well.

At first I was afraid I would be called on in class. I didn't want to look foolish. But a week has gone by and I still haven't been called on and the same people keep getting called on. Is it because they are better looking or look attentive. Yes, yes it is.

I have become envious. I can't stand that other people are talking in class and I am not.

So I have developed ways that I can really get myself into the class action.

I drop things while people are talking. Pencils, notebooks, laptops. Then I say, "Whoo! That was loud and my bad you all. My B. I owe everyone a drink. GO HEELS!"

I sit outside of the professors' offices and study (cough into a paper towel I took from the snack bar). I use their bathroom too.

I write notes to them and slide them under their doors while they are trying to meet with other students. "Do you know what love is? -Whitesnake!"

I knock on their doors and thens run off--making a sound that is somewhere between a giggle and a scream.

I sit in the stairwell and weep.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Back to School--Volumen Dos

In which our hero further braves the jungles of ARTHIS 167, and encounters the rapids of Intro to Music Theory, Classical Piano, Japanese History, and the mall.

Try reading "Organicism and the Construction of a Utopian Geography: The Role of the Landscape in Anarcho-Communism and Neo-Impressionism". Upon first glance, it's a long title, one that takes a few minutes to sink in, leading your faithful narrator to wonder what he is doing (in general, that is). But slogging through, it's actually your basic tale of love and war, right and wrong, white and black, rock and roll. Excerpt: "In the end, then, the organicized, aestheticized utopias imagined by artists and anarcho-communists alike turned on the belief that by changing the conditions under which visual perception or social interaction occurred, one could likewise change the nature of those actions to promote social harmony and well-being. My cup runneth over and the dog ran away with the spoon."

Under all those big words is just a simple message trying to get out: "They wanted a McDonald's in France."

Onto the next: did you know that there was a period in Japanese history known as the Yayoi? As in Tony Yayo, the one member of G-Unit who is currently in prison, and therefore even more of a schmuck than the rest? Or wait, does that make him more "unit"? And there was a Japanese queen named Pimiko who bewitched her followers and looked like the queen from Aliens? And that you have to use math to figure out what a hundred-and-sixty-fourth note is?

As a preliminary assignment for "Music, Place, and Belonging" (a music class cross-referenced with cultural anthropology that talks about your music, your place, and your belonging), we are dispatched to "a mall of our choice". I provide the vehicle and brave the vastness of Southpoint with two classmates, who agree that the sticker saying "NUTSACK" that someone put on the side of my car is indeed funny. (author's note: the NUTSACK is not just a random's actually plastic testes that one can put on the back bumper of one's car to make it look, um, male. one of my classmates suggests that I replace the word "car" with the word "truck". I further suggest that I replace the word "testes" with the word "grundle".) Needless to say, the mall is frightening, but oh is there plenty of unseen irony to be found. Example: there are speakers sprinkled throughout the outside portion of the mall that are designed to look like rocks; upon passing these, John Cougar Mellencamp suddenly blares out "R-O-C-K IN THE USA!". Get it? It's no "Cherry Bomb", or "Little Pink Houses", but the song must fit the method of dispersal, no? See what a Duke education will get you? Free, unlimited use of the word "dispersal"! As in, "WHEN THE FUCK IS MY FINANCIAL AID DISPERSAL/DISBURSEMENT CHECK GOING TO ARRIVE SO I CAN FINALLY RENT 'NOTTING HILL vs. LEPRECHAUN'?!!"

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Back to School--Volumen Uno

Wednesday, August 25:
Whereupon our fearful hero embarks into something called "Art History 167". The focus of the class seems to involve paintings of some sort by people whose first names are plural but their last names end with vowels. There was a big spider walking around on the floor, and the girl in front of me called it to my attention by turning around and looking at me with a face like she smelled something bad. For an instant I thought it might be me, but then she pointed at Mr. Arachnid, creeping across the marbleized floor towards my bag, and inevitably, to the door. He had decided that he wasn't interested in the class.

So in class I did learn a new phrase: "perspectival riddles", which of course made me think of the missed phrase "perspectival diddles". Nothing else eventful happened, other than being told we had to buy 5 books for the class, one of which (coincidence!) was written by the professor.

Looking forward, on the syllabus: "Virility and Domination", by Somebody Duncan. And then, "Cubism, Primitivism, Diddlism: the Labial Spectrum in 1919", by Benjamin Livingston Spiker.

A word from our sponsors

Audubon Park Members for Truth

Robert: I know Ben Spiker. He can't be trusted. When the shit goes down, he goes to shit.

Finn: I know Ben Spiker and you can trust him--trust him to play a bunch of drum fills over my bass solo. (begins making bass solo sounds with mouth)

Ben: I know myself and I wasn't even in the band on Chiristmas Eve. I was in Cambodia. I was the drum tech for Cheap Trick on their last tour. You can ask Ted Bedderhead.

Ted Bedderhead: I don't remember anything from that time period. And I will sign an affidavit to that effect. And really to any other effect, wait affect. Shit. I just need the money.

Matt: Why are these cameras here. Hey, put that down. That's my son.

David: I know Ben Spiker but I know Matt too and I don't know which one over plays the most. Yes I do. It's me. I do. Because I'm good. Have you seen my Squire. It rules. Spell that with a Z. Zules. Oh, wait.

'Ric: I'm not in the band but I wouldn't trust anyone in Audubon Park for anything except to not tune my guitars and to not not eat my Burrito Mejor from Carrburitos while I'm in the can having the "Roehrig World Cup."

Verrie: I don't know anyone in the band but one time I saw a cat and then I saw a paper bag and then someone called me the other day. Then I took a nap. The next day I woke up and there was a letter on my pillow dated 1868. Weird.

Robert: How come noone said they knew me?

Finn: I'll know you if you know me.

Robert: I know you will. I've been to Rhode Island with you.

Matt: Audubon Park, what a bunch of sick jerks.


paid for by Grammy Nods for Jesse Helms, INC.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

This picture

This is one of those pictures that has such a story to tell, illustrates so much, and yet I don't quite know what to say about it. I guess the title of it would be, simply, "History."

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Jim O and the Dream Quest of the Unknown Kadath

Jim O'Rourke FanFic submission ONE.

From St. John Peeps, Pleasant Hill, KY:

Antonio Lemon was dead. That was obvious. His eyes were closed and he was laying down. But why did he die? That is what Jim O'Rourke pondered as he paced the empty--well, except for a corpse--apartment. And there were some empty bean cans and a small sofa--but it wasn't very nice. More or less empty to empty-ish. Devoid of anything good.

So Jim left.

He though back to how the day had begun. His alarm ringing. Then he opened his eyes and realized his alarm wasn't ringing. His room was full of bees! Run Jim. And he did.

After running all morning--in boxer shorts only (Charles Ives print [on sale at TARGET]) Jim stopped by his friend Antonio Lemon's house to pick up something to wear and wonder who could have put bees in his room. Unfortunatley his wondering was cut short when he found his friend DEAD.

After Jim finished putting on his clothes and thought about his day he decided that he needed to figure out who had killed Antonio Lemon--if indeed he was dead--and who put bees in his room--if indeed it was his room. Nothing could be certain at this point.

Jim finished the last can of beans and left Antonio's apartment. In the dark scary hall, full of ambiance and cirumambiance and fog stood a strange man--one who could know everything he needed to know about Antonio, the bees and the fog in the hall. That is, if he doesn't kill Jim first

Tune in tomorrow for the continuation of this thrilling story. And Submit your Jim O'Rourke FanFic today!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


  1. Saddest blog. Or. Or. Or.
  2. We miss GO! Go is where more than one member of the administration of the Tropic of Food made love for the first time and by "make love" we mean "practice" and by "GO!" we mean "Robert's house" and by "first time" we mean "second time."
  3. SATURDAY, AUGUST 21st: AUDUBON PARK, POLYNYA, MOWING LAWNS. The Nightlight. 10pm. Be there and while there is a there love the place. Polynya is lo-kee space funk of the highest order. In a gleeming castle of steel in the sky a nameless creature is getting down to the air they move. Mowing Lawns are equal to or greater than all of nature added together. Folk metal? Is it possible? Yes it is and it is needed because America is in trouble. Audubon Park is celebrating our second annual being left out of the Indy Sounds Local. Big ups to the AP. Keep Reachin'!
  4. ToF would like to congradulate the US Men's Gymnastic team. Men's gymnastics is the highest form of physical expression that there is. Women's gymnastics is too. It is a tie. Two gold medals from my mind!
  5. Thursday Night is Sonic Youth night at the Cat's Cradle. Please send your Jim O'Rourke FanFic to audubonpark AT hotmail DOT com. Why did I type it like that? I saw it on the internet.
  6. We need more FanFic!


Tuesday, August 10, 2004


"The kings of crunk meet the kings of the button-down: at a press conference this morning, TVT Records announced that it will release a remixed ep by North Carolina witmeisters Audubon Park, with the remixing done by one Lil' Jon (minus the Eastside Boyz). The ep will be titled 'Crunkshanks on the Island of Mixed Diddles', and the tracklist is as follows:

1. Tonight! Your Booty & My Face
2. Go Shake That Ass, You Lazy B----
3. Trunk Full of Junk
4. Da Old Hizzy

Park frontman David Nahm explains how this ill collaboration came to fruition: 'Early this summer, we were playing at the MTV Beach House; Lil' Jon approached me after the set and said, "YAY-UH! MINE FRONK INNA BIG STYLE! 2GETHER WE MONKA MONKA MONKA! CRUNKSHANKS?". I agreed, seeing as how I've always felt that way about our music, and the band discussed it at length, since we were concerned about how our fans would feel about being associated with such, um, teeth. But when we actually heard the remixes it was kind of a no-brainer...I mean, he just took my vocal tracks and sampled himself smacking some girl's ass and the project was born. We're all excited about it; Ben actually got his teeth replaced with platinum after hearing Lil' Jon's drum programming."

Lil' Jon could not be bothered to comment in more than one syllable, but TVT did give some tour dates for the 'Parkers and the Eastside Boyz:
Sept 10--Myrtle Beach, SC: House of Blues (w/Lil' Flip)
Sept 11--Durham, NC: Ooh La Latte (benefit for Ms. Films, one of Lil' Jon's philanthropic foundations for 'da ladies)
Sept 12--Richmond, VA: Funyuns-Schlitz Ampitheatre (w/Switchfoot)

Monday, August 09, 2004

Is This Thing On?

On Thursday, August 12th, Tropic of Food associate David Connerley Nahm will be MCing a benefit for Internationalist Books at the Cave from 7:30-9:30. The program is called Art Obnoxious, and I think if you know David you can agree that he is truly obnoxious. Will he be funny? We can only wait and see how the ages judge him.

If you need to know more information you can contact Internationalist.

Also of note in the coming weeks:
  • On 8/18 Hotel Motel is playing at the Nightlight w/ The Whole World Laughing, MDUB, and JAGUARO (very good band).
  • On 8/21 Audubon Park is playing at the Nightlight w/Polyna and Mowing Lawns (both very, very good bands).
  • On 8/25 Erie Choir is playing at the Nightlight w/ The Ants, Billy Sugarfix (of Evil Wiener, of course v.v. good), and America, Dear

It's a late Summer Tropic of Food infestation at the Nightlight!

Thank you,


Wednesday, August 04, 2004


Greetings my fellow Audubonese,

As one of the founding members of the Audubon Park Official Fan Club and its current secretary, I’m happy to report the events of our most recent convention held in Gonadville, Indiana.

The fine folks at the Hill Crest Inn Motel were very helpful and welcoming. The soup was very good. Sadly our scheduled keynote speakers, Robert P. Biggers (A.P. Keyboardist) and Richard Lindley Cumberbum (Nahm family official biographer) could not attend as both were detained at the Canadian border on suspicion of ferretting.

Our Fanclub President, Gordish Horton, opened the Fancon by leading us in a rounding chorus of “The loud half hour”.

Gordish Sings!

Several panels were held on various subjects, including Lyric Interpretation: Bees=Imperialism?; Tone: Kalb vs. Fripp vs. Frehley; Precursers: The Hundred, V. Sirin, Pete, El Debarge; Center of the Universe: The Role of Center College; Flem: Pro vs. Con.

What’s a diddle? Lyric Interpretation Panel

The annual Fancon sing along was led by Harry Hurtz and his visible hand of rectitude.

Hurtz leads us in “snowy”.

The Audubon Park Fancon is ultimately about meeting and having fun with your fellow Audubon Park fanatics:

Jebb Bisquicke and Sally Orbgut get friendly

Susan Suisschef and Peter Wiekenbladder kid around.

The Hurt Family

Henry Jurdt, Band Member Look Alike Contest Winner, Matt Kalb division

 Henry Jurdt, Band Member Look Alike Contest Winner, Matt Kalb division

The Oregon Contingent at the Banquet:

 The Oregon Contingent at the Banquet

Those Wacky Floridians!

Those wacky Floridians!

Let the dancing begin!

Let the dancing begin!

The Wandering Yarberlers lead us in their own festive interpretations of Audubon Park classics as well as songs by Christopher Cross, Soul II Soul and their own originals.

The Wandering Yarberelers: “Sailing!”

The Junior Friends of A.P Dance Squad

The Junior Friends of A.P”

Sadly, it all had to end Sunday. Time to say goodbye to all your friends. See you next year at AUDUBON PARK FANCON 2005 in the Quad Cities, Iowa!

See You Next Year


P. Myrtle Hogglesmith, Secretary, Audubon Park Official Fan Club

Return of the Kings

The TROPIC of FOOD would like to welcome The NEIN back from their tour of the NORTHEAST. Lets ask them how it was (WARNING: the material that follows is not real. Or is it? No, it isn't.):

ToF: How was this tour?
tN: Beleagured. (Sobs)

Ahh, but let's check in with alternate universe the Nein:

FoT: How was this tour?
tN: Hahaha? (Rolls in piles of alternate universe money which to be honest looks fake.) The Nein is wealthy beyond all comprehension because of this tour. No clubs screwed us. We made more than the guy working the door every night. Sometimes almost as much as 15% more.
FoT: What do you plan on doing with your new found financial security?
tN: We just custom ordered a Stretch Tour Escalade!
FoT: Oh, but it is an alternate universe stretch Escalade. It is really small. You should have ordered an alternate universe Le Car. That is a roomy l'auto.
tN: God, why have you forsaken us! (Throws arms upin a showy display. There is a lightening crash--very scary)

It is very difficult for good hard working Americans to make thier way. Let's applaud those that travel in small machines to be in dark places that smell--all for the betterment of our society. Please send all distance Reike to FC, RB and CB c/o Tropic of Food.

Coming Soon: Festival of Ninnies!

Monday, August 02, 2004

Please to Welcome

The Tropic of Food welcomes the newest member of our Administrative staff:

The Mayor of Dude City

Please respect him and his decisions as we enter this important sporting season.


Thursday, July 29, 2004

Razzle Week: Fourth Day

Children's undelivered letters to Razzle.


Tues 6 1984

Deer Mr. Razel

I like you.  You are nice and have a nice sound.  My dady says that you make the devls music but when I here you music I see angles.  Will you make my doggy come back.  He was in the yard and made a hack sound and then he is gone.  My daddy said that he is ben tookt to a farm and is happy.  Is my dady a liar?

Lucy W.
Zebulon, NC


Tues 6, 1978

Razzle is the best.
I like metal and heavey rock.
Razzle is metal and heavy rock.
I like Razzle. 
Can you make Chris Schultz stop beating me up.
I would give you a dollar.
It is all I have.

Blaine Tuppance
Ft. Wayne, IN


(date unknown)

Dear Mr. Razzle

My mommy went away.  Did you take her?  Why? 

Fayetteville, NC



Dear Razzle,

I saw you all play last night at my mother and step-father's reception.  I think you are great.  I have never had such a good time even though I don't like my step-father and he doesn't like me.  I think he is a jerk.  He doesn't like good music.  I am sorry you all had to play from the Lawrence Welk Ultimate Fakebook.  And I am sorry about the tuxes.  I was embarassed for you. 

When Mr. Robb gave me that piggy back ride I have never been so happy in my life.  You know, being born with out the ability to laugh and run at the same time has mean that I have lived either a happy and slow or fast and sad life.  It is tragic.  Shouldn't the children of America be running and laughing at the same time.  Watch any commercial for medication and you can see I am gettign fucked.  Please you have to help me.  Nurture me in the bosom of your rock and perhaps my legs and laughter will get in concert and I can live the American Dream.

Julius Hodge

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Razzle Week: Day II

Excerpts of interviews with the "men" of Razzle

From Guitar Player, June 16th, 1986

GP:  Tell us how you developed your awesome technical style.

Bob Wall:  Well, you see first I was walking through this corn patch with this boy I knew, he went to school with me and he said he had bottle rockets and I said I wanted to see them there bottle rockets but he said you gotta come with me to my house and I said alright and we cut cross this patch of corn and there was a wild rabid possum a-comin' up on us and I hid up to the top of the tree and the possum done chased this boy clear cross tarnation and creation and he run kindly like I seen a little man dance up to the fair so I started to dance out on this branch all nice like and was cutting capers and clappin and this possum was laying this boy up good and chewing his face and the like and then I fell down and when I woke my daddy told me it was time that I mow the yard and I said but daddy, daddy, I'm on the last level of the Poltergeist video game.  (Rubs baby oil on arms)

GP:  Tell me about the rumor I've heard that you and Hendrix were going to collaborate before he died.

BW: Jimi's dead?  Oh, God in heaven, take me now.  Woman, woman!  I need my liver pills and a diet cola!

From Good Housekeeping, June 16th, 1992

GH:  How many children do you have?
Dave Cantwell:  Oh, man, I don't know.  Let's see.  There Louis and Jane and Ander and Coletrane and Lil' Trane and Joe Champion and Texas and Phylisha and Jerusha and He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named and She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named and Lucy and Busta Trucks and Mafhouse.  How many is that?

GH:  And this garden?  I've never seen a garden in Durham.
DC:  I live in Durham?  Oh, God, sweet fount of my salvation, take me now!  Kerry, Kerry, call Budget, call UHaul.  Get the babies and the Kitties and the fish!


From New York Times Sunday Magazine, June 16th, 2000

NYTSM:  I'm sorry that Mr. Bjorkback couldn't be with us.  What can you tell us about his expeditions?

Torch Marauder:  Like shaved fox lingers
                            Too long before the mirror:
                            Bjbk hasn't written

NYTSM:  Is it true that he has taken up with a previously unknown indiginous South Pacific tribe and been enthroned as their master, seer and fiscal salvation?
TM: Well, it's funny you should ask--(Television flashes on and the grimacing face of the Red Caped Rocker appears)

RCR: Bjorkback's on an island, not guarding his first editon Fantastic Fours!  Why am I watching Judge Judy! (Bobby Gibbs wakes up and writes in his diary: "Diary, today I had the worst nightmare.  I was running thorugh a feild of corn with a young man and we were beset by a wild oppossum, perhaps ill.  The young man ran to a tree like a baby to a mother's breast and I was left to feel the cold maw surround me.")

From The American Journal of Law and Religion, June 16th, 2004

AJoLaR:  Mr. Robb, can you comment on this week's decision as it applies to sentencing standards?

Mike Robb:  ...

AJoLaR:  Would such applications, if applied as broadly as you imply they might be, work against the courts?

MR:  ...

AJoLaR:  How will this affect Razzle?

MR:  ... (Grabs 1940 D'Angelico [Excel, Sunburst, very good, OHSC, $24,000.00], hits interviewer across forhead with headstock, plays Dee)

AJoLaR:  Razzle's breaking up?  What the Fuck!

Monday, July 26, 2004

Good-bye Musical Absolutes

On Friday, July 30th, music will cease to exist in a perfect, unadulterated form.  Hundreds, if not dozens, of young men and women will be left without a musical compass to direct them towards the multi-colored mount of leather and lace clad awesomness.  This week the Tropic of Food salutes the MEN or RAZZLE.

How did they form?
In 1923 an expadition to the arctic circle disappeared.  No one knows what happened but we do know that they discovered, deep below the ice, an ancient creature--indiscribable with the petty and paltry words that our pale language has cursed us with--and many ancient stones with untranslatable writing and pictures of strange cities of non-euclidian geometry.  The exploreres were hungry and tried to cook up the ancient slumbering elder god.  Inside they found the coocooned corpses of four men and a couple marshall stacks.  Somewhere, over the blanched, invisible horizon, a thunderous guitarmony glided on feathery wings.  Their minds snapped instantly.

History does not record how the elder god tasted.

Why are they breaking up?
Because the PATRIOT ACT is making them.

What records have they recorded?
This discography is speculative at best.

  1. Withered Wurms Beyond the Seventh Sun of Rhyn:  Asylum Records (1976)
  2. Blow: Elektra (1977)
  3. Mexican Delimma--A Rock Fantasia: Virgin (1977)
  4. Vs Nantucket: Warner Bros. (1979)
  5. s/t: Scotti Bros (1980)
  6. Rings Around Heaven: Arista (1981)
  7. Saul Sabberday--Idiot Spy (soundtrack): Epic Classical (1982)
  8. Quaker Hustle: Columbia Japanese Imports (1983)
  9. Players, Ladies of Destruction and Me: Smithsonian Folkways (1984)
  10. Quintessential Nights: Sony (1985)
  11. s/t II: Rykodisk (1986)
  12. Works: Rhino Handmade (1987)
  13. Skanks of the Sun--A Rock Shymphony: Scholastic Records (1988)
  14. Cootie Moon (soundtrack): WEA (1989)
  15. North Durham Shuffles, Disco Release, Cupping the Breast of Destiny (reissues): Merge Records (1990)
  16. My Disease is Chromatic: self-released (1992)
  17. Tacodrome (soundtrack): EMI (1992)
  18. Rambling Rose (soundtrack): Universal (1992)
  19. Heaven is a Heavy Place for Lovers: Fiction (1993)
  20. Tuck Back Warriors: Def Jam (1994)
  21. 4 Biddin' Dance: Def American (1995)
  22. Cash in a Duffle Bag--a Road Diary-Live 1973-2001: American Records (1996)
  23. Cantwell: Sire (1997)
  24. Wall: Sire (1997)
  25. Bjorkback: Sire (1997)
  26. Henderson: Sire (1997)
  27. Blingin' in the Reign: No Limit (1999)
  28. 7 Song CD: self-released (2001)
  29. Robb: Sire (2001)
  30. All Those Wasted (Y)ears: Pox World Empire (2004)
I have a record that isn't listed above that is credited to Razzle.  Is it worth anything?

Though in recent years unknown Razzle records have fetched staggering sums on the musical black market (upwards of $7) I can assure you that what you have is worthless and in fact probably would cost you to get rid of so just sent it to me with a check for five dollars and a picture of you in the following poses:

Dress'd as Link from Legend of Zelda
Dress'd as Fish from Barney Miller
Dress'd as Linc from The Octavo Blanche