Monday, October 26, 2009
Group of us (me, Lauren, Neill, Ellie, Linc) walking past a Guesser:
Guesser (to me): Guess your age, height, weight, whaddya say, sir?
Me (shaking head decisively): No thanks.
Guesser (looking at Ellie, who was closest to me): What about your wife?
Me: [eyebrows raised to the guy]
Me: [same look]
Me: [still with same look] Take a guess.
Guesser: That'll be three dollars.
Me: See ya.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Oh hell yeah
Finn Cohen <[wredacted]>
Mon, Oct 19, 2009 at 10:27 AM
To: "mttklb@****" <[radacted]>, RbrtBggrs <[autodacted]>, stngjns@[ehhhdacted], DNhm <[oh y’know, secreted]>, BnSpkr <[shhhh]>, drcntwll@*****, Eioei <[4 real on the DL coz this guy, he’s a GUY]>, Dash<[redunkted]>, LnclnHncck <[you guys mind if I post deez?]>, nllprwtt@****
From a wire story I had to edit today:
"By Monday afternoon, shares in the group were trading 0.9 percent lower at 21.62 Swiss francs ($21.31), underperforming a 1.6 percent rise in shares of French rival Schneider and a 0.5 percent rise in the DJ Stoxx European industrial goods and services index."
DJ STOXX IS MY BOY!
this would be the only way i ever see you getting into trading.
Listen to DJ Stoxx going on about his swiss francs and shit...
"Federal Ballout" by DJ Stoxx (feat. Municiple Bonds and the Unregistered Securities Krew)
Tradin’ that ass....
R.I.P., Herbert Kornfeld.
Irving, he think he all dat, but he ain't. Got his accountin' degree from some bullshit diploma mill an' he have tha muhfukkin' balls 2 step 2 me jus' 'cuz he landed a sweet-ass Midstate gig. Yesterday, I called tha fool into my dope cubicle and told him 2 resolve a $2 variance. "Two dollar variance?" he say. "Woot!"
"'Woot'?" I say. "You fuckin' fool, it gotta balance."
"Why?" he say. "Midstate's in the black. They can eat the cost. It's all good."
Wuz tha bitch straight trippin'? "Muhfukka, you want yo head flown?" I say, mah H-Kool slippin'. "I wants that variance resolved."
"Don't tell me what to do, bra," he say.
"Don't call me no goddamn bra," I say. "I ain't no Maidenform shit. Fuck all y'all! What, y'all sayin' I'm a bra? What? What? What? Whadju say, fucka? What? What?"
D.J. Stoxx is my boy! He manages my beats AND my retirement!
Certified by Wu Tang Financials.
When the Foo Fighters greatest hits LP comes out on Nov. 3, I am going to buy it. They have some really good songs.
I always thought that "there goes my hero" song sounded a bit like White Octave, or vice versa. Animal Chin, I reckon.
Because of this conversation, Gmail totally freaked.
They suggested: "You--A Talented Rapper?": http://www.exploretalent.com/
...And "Free Retirement Analysis" for Wachovia.
Yes. And yes.
'ric's flow got foreclosed on.
David's got to know I'm all up in Blackacre,
Not no fore-say-ker
with no time for financial rhymes for your financial times
I'm an economist, I get by on this,
getting dividends, from every end,
msnbc is getting the bends,
from my every word,
so now ya herd,
my financial acuity, needs no annuity,
fiscally speaking, you're still in puberty.
mc hackington the third
I was going to rip on Eric, but the final couplet are indeed tight.
But you can do better.
SILK NOGG, I'M BOUT TO JOGG YOUR NOGGIN,
MY RHYMES ARE TIGHT AS YOUR MOM'S TOBOGGAN,
IN KAKALAK THAT'S A HAT,
IN NEW YORK THAT'S A SLED,
IN H-RIZZY-BURG, IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED.
IT'S A LYRICAL SLEEPER HOLD I'M BOUT TO DEPLOY,
AND YOUR SELF-DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR, I'M BOUT TO DESTROY,
I'M FISCALLY COMPETENT, AINT JUST LINKING SHIT,
YOU'LL NEED TO WATCH FRONTLINE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PREDICAMENT
I'M ABOUT TO COLLATERALIZE YOUR DEBT OBLIGATIONS
YOU GOT A LIQUIDITY CRISIS, WELL I AINT GOT NO PATIENCE.
SO GIVE IT UP, HAND IT OVER, I OWN YOU SON,
AND LIKE KAREN CARPENTER, I'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN...
RHYMES LIKE DIMES
There was an allusion to the Man who Shot Liberty Valance on Mad Men
the other night (I'm catching up on season 2). It made me think of you
Ric. We're not worthy of your talents!
THAT IS WHAT I”M MOTHERFUCKIN TALKIN BOUT.
Kalb, what am I talkin’ bout?
Okay, I guess that flow was a fluke. I'm glad you're in school, 'ric, 'cause you need an education--let a man show you:
A selection from 'The Illiad' by Silk Nogg (to-wit):
I told the pelican not to close its mouth becuase
it might hurt the baby and pelicans shouldn't hurt
babies. Even ones made of diamonds that smell
like coconuts. But I digress--there were pretty girls
wrapped in paper laying in my yard all night.
I called the police but they said, 'Fuck you.' So I
had to just go out in my yard myself and rake
the girls into a pile and then put them in a plastic
trash bag, but it is hard to do alone. You need two
hands for the bag and two for the girls, but I only
got two hands. Luckily the pelican was watching me
with its oily eye, and once I stopped crying, I knew all
would be well. It was later that I found the note in my
pocket from the tiger, the note that told me I would die.
Tigers in track suits run the game.
Tigers in track suits run the game.
Don't be made because he want it.
Tigers in track suits run the game.
Blasphemous donkey balls; incredulous sunrise,
the girls from Japan are all in a plane on their way
to Kenya for a conference on sustainable economic
growth. I saw a sparrow with an MBA working at
the gas station in Durham. He said, 'Son, I am tired,
I can't carry this weight. I want to lay down and die.
the end is at hand.' My best friend, Tompkins Basnight
and I went to the Streets at Southpoint to pick up chicks
but they said put us down, so I said, 'You have a nice
personality.' Then I ate a speaker the looked like a rock
and bought a t-shrit at Banana Republic. Awkward silence.
Tigers in track suits run the game. (etc, ad nauseum.)
Put a track of Ric's rhyme on top of a track of Silk's rhyme, at the same time, with some opera on top of that. no beats.
I’ll do it, too. But someone needs to record those vox and send ‘em to me.
Let's do it. It can't be hard.
Or I could just insert the text as a Word document over the beats.
Just use some computer voice reading software, but make one of them
Autotuned (not sure which). This will be incredible.
Speaking of auto-tune. There was a guy at the wedding I went to this weekend going around getting people to say something about the bride and groom, best wishes type of shit, into his iphone using the auto-tune app. I had the idea that there should be a website called Auto-Tune My Feelings, where you go on and record an apology or a love note or anything that might otherwise be awkward, but it puts it through auto-tune for you. Then you can e-mail it to the person as an audio file. So you still have the sincerity of the thing but it's coated in a nice layer of comedy, which makes it less awkward. You know you would forgive someone if they auto-tuned you an apology. I would. Of course it would turn into people sending all kinds of crazy shit, but that's fine.
An excellent idea.
On par with this:
Oh man. You can literally sit on a dick.
this is all too much
look at this fucking cat you guys
THAT is too much.
it's hardly enough
Eight is enough.
An additionally funny thing I had to edit today; it was translated into English by a Russian:
“He suffered from anophtalmia (lack of an eyeball) in one eye and an underdeveloped frontal lobe in the brain.”
Sunday, October 18, 2009
In Soviet Russia, beer throws up from you.
It appears that the Leprechaun has taken up residence in our dumpster, where he can polish shoes to his heart's content without distractions.
"What? I bought it like that."
Inside the Elektrozavodskaya metro station.
Inside the bathroom at a club called Barbarella. This monstrosity is actually a speaker, out of which was blaring Madonna at a very high volume — too high for a toilet stall, one could say.
"Mysterious Cats," it's called.
A hair salon for dogs.
The awning at the hair salon for dogs.
This dog was trying to cross this street to get to an important meeting, but thought better.
A walk through a park one day resulted in stumbling upon this celebration of Tank Drivers' Day. I was unable to get the full impact of the dog who jumped onstage for an extended period of time, but you can see him scurry off at the beginning.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Boaz looks to top his all-time classic with next summer's The Expendables. With Sly, Statham, Li, Lundgren, Ahnold, Willis, Stone Cold, and more, really the only people missing are Seagal and Van Damme. I think this movie warrants a group showing at South Point next August. I'll put it in my calendar and Inappropriate can book his ticket with FinnAir now.