Tuesday, July 13, 2010

(----) in Russia Vol. 35

The giant cock of Vladimir Putin rolls towards Red Square during Moscow's Victory Day celebration parade.

You've seen a few shots of this dumpster over the past year or so. Most people leave things here for the homeless: old clothes, food, shoes...Rubix cubes.

Lando Calrissian's Moscow penthouse.

Some kids going apeshit over the Victory Day fireworks.

And now a short example of how even the most marginalized former pop stars still have a chance (and a paycheck) in Moscow:

(their concert was, in true fashion, delayed by 2 hours)

Starting to be a bit of a stretch....

...and BAM! Bottom of barrel scraped. This summer, we've also had Billy Idol, one of the members of Chicago, Megadeth, Seal, Limp Bizkit, the guitar player from Korn who became a Christian and quit the band, Fear Factory, that band with those dudes from Sepultura, The White Octave, V.Sirin, Cold Sides and Weavexxx.

Dmitry Bedderhead's career modeling for Russian ads is flourishing.

Dominos at the dacha.

The Russian version of the Nut Sack.

Interior of Russian Nut Sack.

It would make sense that there would be a camel on the outskirts of Moscow, right?

I showed up too early at a show I was supposed to play and got roped into jamming with a jew's harp trio that was opening for headliner of the evening's first concert, which was running very late. This is what happened when they asked me to do something in the style of "drum and bass."

And this is who our impromptu collective opened for...Sevara Nazarkhan, one of Uzbekistan's most famous pop stars. Note world's most excited percussionist.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Best Knock Knock Joke Ever

National Cougar Convention taking place here on Saturday -
Meet new single friends at this fun event! Discover what Demi Moore, Halle Berry, Madonna , Jennifer Anniston, Ivana Trump, Cameron Diaz, Mariah Carey, and Joan Collins have all discovered. The BEST romantic combination is younger men/older women! Adults of all ages welcome. Dressy attire requested. Saturday, June 26, 2010.
7:30pm – Entertaining Keynote Address with author Rich Gosse, richgosse.com (“This is a great book!” Oprah Winfrey)
9pm – 1am – Socializing and Dancing. At approximately 11pm, one cougar attending tonight’s convention will win the title of Miss Cougar America. She will be elected by the Cubs (younger men) in attendance. To be eligible to win, she must be legally single and at least 35 years old. She will win a free berth on the Cougar Cruise, December 3-6 to the Bahamas, courtesy of http://www.SinglesTravelCompany.com.

35?! That's bullshit. That's not even MILF age. Real Cougz gots grandkids.
no, Dragons have grandkids. or Panthers. Dragons are closer to death, actually. but they have the most experience....
I just don't think 35yr olds that sex up teens or 20-somethings deserve this, or any, special nomenclature. Though I'm sure 35 could seem gross to 16yr olds, it's just not gross or funny or unusual enough. Call them Dragons or Panthers, just don't call them anything if the ages aren't sufficiently sick. I feel strongly about this.
How about the fact that the young men are called Cubs? Is this a
nationwide phenomenon or just because it's taking place in Chicago?
Yeah, no. Thirty-five year olds are just adults who have sex with people. If the person they are ****ing is really young, the proper name is "sexual predator" or "incarcerated." American culture is brain dead and exhausting to be a part of.
I remember reading an article in the New York Times about 8 or 9 years ago about "cougars." This was my first exposure to the term and it meant a woman, about 60 or so, who was rich and single (divorced or widowed) who got down with hot young men. Basically like the female version of a Hugh Hefner. Since then, the constant reduction of the age is ****ing unbearable. 35?!?!? **** you America, **** you Chicago, **** you ***damn Hollywood and television and magazines and the Internet. All of you can eat a bucket of knife filled vomit. I am so ****ing tired of this ****.
(This does not apply to you guys, but everyone else.)
Amen (pronounced with a short "a").
Amen with a long a. Also, I happened to watch a few minutes of Good Morning America the other day, looking for soccer. Don't ever do that.
here's something that we can be thankful to America for:
Why did Sci-Fi change is name to SyFy?
To remove the science fiction connotations and broaden its appeal.
best knock knock joke ever.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Interlude: Overheard in Russia

1. June 19, at a doctor's office:
Doc:"It'll pass, don't worry.
me: "It's taking a long time."
Doc: "Only squirrels move fast."

2. June 18, at an English lesson with a 60-year-old Russian:
him: "So you have a degree in Music?"
me: "yes."
him: "And what do you think of MC Hammer?"

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

(----) in Russia Vol. 34: An Evening

It always starts so innocently. Then a curious trip to a Mad Max-themed biker bar with a $30 cover (call it an "accent fee," since native Russians pass freely past the beefy guards) turns into a descent into the mouth of soapy madness (see above). But let's not get ahead of ourselves...

8 p.m.

8:10 p.m.

8:15 p.m. Buskers walking from car to car in the metro. Note the mandolin.

Time irrelevant at this point as mind blown by dreadlocked bride skank-tappin' at Sexton, a biker bar in west Moscow.

And thus began the foamtastic voyage. For some reason, this bar was pumping soap suds out of a huge tube, sort of like that birth scene in "Aliens."

Sunday, May 30, 2010

(----) in Russia: Vol. 33

It's been too long. Tomorrow I am moving to a new place in preparation for the upcoming exodus from this dirty land, and I vow to be more prompt and regular with the postings before our time here is done, if only to entertain myself.


Reflected in this ad for a cell phone is one of the so-called "Stalin sisters," seven huge towers in Moscow that sport the Soviet star and loom over the city's residents like old guards who can't leave their posts.

On the left: chainsaws. On the right: bras.


A night in the country.

Supplies for a weekend in the country.

A bike ride into the woods turned up this abandoned Soviet-era tourist camp that has fallen by the wayside.

A bike ride in the country turned up a Jaguar that had been violated with this jaguar graffiti.

"Dogs can't swim here."

"Vodka is bad for you."

And now, long overdue for all y'all:

A blues band in Moscow's "Country Bar" tearing up the outro of "Imagine."

And then playing a request....

Friday, April 30, 2010

(----) in Russia Vol. 32: Two Days

Saturday, April 24:

"nap 1"

"nap 2" (note first napper in background)

"that's not scary"


Thursday, April 29:


"dog for sale" (for Rikk...happy birthday)