Thursday, October 28, 2004


Things I Learned While Standing in Line to Vote

1) David Carradine is tall
2) And an asshole
3) Who, despite vast riches, demands free teabags
4) Politics kept Bruce Lee from being in "Kung Fu"
5) The man standing behind me predicted 9/11
6) But he was off by two and a half months
7) He predicted 11/26
8) Atlantis was off the coast of Florida and Cuba
9) They had crystals the size of three football fields
10) Said crystals were placed in machines
11) They knew the world was flat
12) They had a war with China
13) They could fly
14) Sedona, NM, is the nexus of all positive and negative energy on the earth
15) The man behind me has evolved beyond religion
16) He is a higher being
17) He is into karate and judo now
18) Of course reincarnation is true
19) There are sixteen columns in Morehead Planetarium
20) This is funny for some reason
21) Souls are drops and there is a cup of water and how do you find that drop?
22) Drink the water


Sunday, October 24, 2004

Like a dove of fire

Very rare footage of Audubon Park playing live. We asked guitarist, Matthew Kalb, what happened?

Mr. Kalb: I don't know. David's voice descended from heaven at the wrong time and we stopped and looked at each other and then began to dance like enchanted bears in the forest of tears. I don't know if we will ever play again.

Friday, October 15, 2004


Signs that you may be Robert Biggers:

1. You are wearing Robert's pants.

2. You are eating a Nutty Bar.

3. You are semi-hype to hype, depending on your mood.

4. You "don't know about that."

5. It's Saturday, 12:56 pm, and you are asleep in Robert's bed.*

6. You philosophise. Yeah.

7. When you go to Wendy's, you ask them to "me-size it".

8. If you were a tree and we cut you open, you'd have one more ring up in that thing. (Please do not cut open Robert, this is an analogy.) Props a little after the fact.

*If there is in fact a glob of mayonaise on the nightstand beside you, you may in fact be Nomad Stylo.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Third Party Candidates Debate


Please! a few moments for a political advertisement

Please consider for President:

Example Joe Champion

and his running mate:

Example Lil' Vlodya Tufts


These candidates aren't afraid of the ISSUES!

Education: Why the fuck are we throwing all of this fucking money at these damn kids? They're stupid as shit already. I say to the children of America: Get a job or a stick or a spinning top or something. Just get off my sack about schools and computers and lunch and shit. Damn, if you suckers spent half as much time working or painting as you do sucking on the sweet utter of public education this country would be a lot more painted and worked on.

Prisons: Maybe this is the solution to our problems with school. Can I go back and change my answer on Education to "Lock the bastards up?" Except for the football teams. Give them a hundred dollars and cigar and nudie photo.

The War on Terror: Terrorists can suck a nut. And I don't mean the foreign ones cause they don't scare me--though if they want they may also suck a nut. I mean the longhairs here at home that can get up in my grill. I know where they are hiding--in Quaker rec rooms and Public Libraries and shit--and I'm going to smoke them out. You think I don't know what you check out. Candide indeed. I'm on your sack like a tarantula on a banana motherfucker! Can you feel my BREATH! It's ON!

Taxes: Fuck taxes. They are a pain in the ass and I'll be the first to say that the damn roads in the country are all fucked up. Especially in Indiana. So rather than taxing the good people of America I will make SUVs mandatory and then we won't have to worry about roads. Or the environment. Any way, when did a publicly funded institution ever help anyone?

Environment: Taken care of. Also, you're a pussy.

Tort Reform: What the fuck is that? Get that mess out of my face before you feel the power of the horns! Also, all lawyers can bite the knob except for my tax lawyers that help me get my shit off shore. Thank you boys.

Judicial Vacancies: I want a justice that will interpret the Constitution strictly. Except for the part about the separation of church and state. That was put in there by some activist founding fathers and has no place in America. Well and the part about all people being created Equal. I KNOW that that's a new idea, so we can strike that. Wait, maybe that's in the Declaration or Magna Carta or something. Nevermind. We don't have to worry about that. Just a strict reading of the Constitution--as soon as I get around to adding a few things too it about marriage and who can vote and maybe who can walk on the sidewalk.

Are you American enough for this President?

Or do you need a lesson!

paid for by the Champion for president campaign and the "Balogna for a Better America for Some" PAC

Sunday, October 10, 2004


Please sup from the cup of American happiness.


This explains everything


Do we deserve better?


Friday, October 08, 2004

Excerpts from SPIKED: The Benjamin Spiker Story

"Then after I climbed out of the car, which apparently was now on the bottom of the pool I decided it was time to sell the watermellon farm. It just wasn't going to work."

"Taco Dragon's lasts show was very moving because of an eathquake, and then a mudslide, and then the flood of girls on rollerskates."

"Then of course, after realizing that it wasn't the courthouse, and that the paper I was holding wasn't a fishing lisence and that the thing in the cooler wasn't a fish, I decided it was time to sell the Cajun restaurant and postcard shop. It just wasn't going to work."

"It was embarassing because I had been calling them 'cats' and that's just not what they were. It was then that I decided to sell the cattery."

"Happiness is salsa plus ketchup. It just is."

"I'm only young once."

"Neither of us knew how the flounder got into the tub, or at least neither of us was going to admit it, but it really made me think: 'How did the flounder get in the tub?' That is when I decided to sell the ice cream truck. This was just getting out of hand."

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


Have a chuckle. On me. Please.

Make sure you watch the video. Free chuckles.

Friday, October 01, 2004



I am crookkshanX. I've been to the Isle of Missed Diddles. I have consumed my own death without ceasing to be. I am of everything. Dead? The diddles bring me to life, to luf, to the isle. Worship me. I consume all. All others mislead you. Misread you. Misbleed you. I like tuna.