Joe Champion
and his running mate:
Lil' Vlodya Tufts
of the FORLORN PARTY.
These candidates aren't afraid of the ISSUES!
Education: Why the fuck are we throwing all of this fucking money at these damn kids? They're stupid as shit already. I say to the children of America: Get a job or a stick or a spinning top or something. Just get off my sack about schools and computers and lunch and shit. Damn, if you suckers spent half as much time working or painting as you do sucking on the sweet utter of public education this country would be a lot more painted and worked on.
Prisons: Maybe this is the solution to our problems with school. Can I go back and change my answer on Education to "Lock the bastards up?" Except for the football teams. Give them a hundred dollars and cigar and nudie photo.
The War on Terror: Terrorists can suck a nut. And I don't mean the foreign ones cause they don't scare me--though if they want they may also suck a nut. I mean the longhairs here at home that can get up in my grill. I know where they are hiding--in Quaker rec rooms and Public Libraries and shit--and I'm going to smoke them out. You think I don't know what you check out. Candide indeed. I'm on your sack like a tarantula on a banana motherfucker! Can you feel my BREATH! It's ON!
Taxes: Fuck taxes. They are a pain in the ass and I'll be the first to say that the damn roads in the country are all fucked up. Especially in Indiana. So rather than taxing the good people of America I will make SUVs mandatory and then we won't have to worry about roads. Or the environment. Any way, when did a publicly funded institution ever help anyone?
Environment: Taken care of. Also, you're a pussy.
Tort Reform: What the fuck is that? Get that mess out of my face before you feel the power of the horns! Also, all lawyers can bite the knob except for my tax lawyers that help me get my shit off shore. Thank you boys.
Judicial Vacancies: I want a justice that will interpret the Constitution strictly. Except for the part about the separation of church and state. That was put in there by some activist founding fathers and has no place in America. Well and the part about all people being created Equal. I KNOW that that's a new idea, so we can strike that. Wait, maybe that's in the Declaration or Magna Carta or something. Nevermind. We don't have to worry about that. Just a strict reading of the Constitution--as soon as I get around to adding a few things too it about marriage and who can vote and maybe who can walk on the sidewalk.
Are you American enough for this President?
Or do you need a lesson!
paid for by the Champion for president campaign and the "Balogna for a Better America for Some" PAC
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