Thursday, September 30, 2004

Profiles in Hypness: Day Four

Audubon Park: The End of a Family Line


Finn Crisp

FM Cohen: This is InFINNate Bass. He has a handshake for you. If you don't take it you won't know what you missed. Somewhere a child is deciding to buy a Roktek Chorus pedal, and he doesn't know why.




Upper Echelon of Melodious Decoration West Coast is MW Kalb and hisself. Jesus+CrateTone=A New Beginning For America. REPRESENT. Hoes and Rakes. (AKA Dan Famous)


Sweet RB


RP Biggers, Juniors: Snappin' Red Hot, Push Pop, Flip-flop Yacht Style. Meaning: A well rounded meal. Kebler Eno, Phantom Tollbooth House. Saurkrautrock. Upper Echelon of Melodious Decoration East Coast. (AKA Joe Champion)


Danny Binge


B. Martin Spiker: The Drummer. Birth of Sound. Charisma: 100! So don't not try not to be charmed. You Can't. Mr. Spiker is the State Capitol of AP. After the show it's the after party and after the party it's the congressional lobby.




DC Nahm: Let me see my knees!

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Profiles in Hypeness: Day Three

The Nein: Almost Canadianish

DF: The newest Nein now nudging knobs. I don't know, but I am pretty sure he is a ROBOT. I saw him up to the Stab and Grab buying motor oil and riding bikes in circles around the lot. I says, "Why is that guy buying oil if he is on a bike?" Then I froze and my nuts kindly like drew all slow up into my torso. He was a ROBOT. I knew it. So later I was talking to this woman behind Sid's and I says, "You know that boy, that ROBOT. Rides the bike?" And she says, "Lord, do I?" And the Lord says, "Yes." Then later I saw another boy in KFC and I asked him for some change and he said vote and I says, "You know that ROBOT? Blink, blink!" And he nodded. We were of accord.


Prince Biggers Jr.: "Glancing backwards, they saw the groined belfry crashed sideways in. It afterwards appeared that the powerful peasant who had the bell rope in charge, wishing to test at once the full glory of the bell, had swayed down upon the rope with one concentrate jerk. The mass of quaking metal, too ponderous for its frame, and strangely feeble somewhere at its top, loosed from its fastening, tore sideways down, and, tumbling in one sheer fall three hundred feet to the soft sward below, buried itself inverted and half out of sight.

Upon its disinterment, the main fracture was found to have started from a small spot in the ear, which, being scraped, revealed a defect, deceptively minute, in the casting, which defect must subsequently have been pasted over with some unknown compound.

The remolten metal soon reassumed its place in the tower's repaired superstructure. For one year the metallic choir of birds sang musically in its belfry boughwork of sculptured blinds and traceries. But on the first anniversary of the tower's completion -- at early dawn, before the concourse had surrounded it -- an earthquake came; one loud crash was heard. The stone pine, with all its bower of songsters, lay overthrown upon the plain.

So the blind slave obeyed its blinder lord, but, in obedience, slew him. So the creator was killed by the creature. So the bell was too heavy for the tower. So the bell's main weakness was where man's blood had flawed it. And so pride went before the fall. "

--Herman Melville, "The Bell-Tower"


KC Burnz: 따라서 장님 실행된 노예 복종심, 그안에 그것의 더 눈 먼 주, 그러나 벗어남. 따라서 발명자는 창조물에의해 죽였다. 이 방법은 종을 위해 너무 무거웠다toren. 이 방법은 가장 중요한zwakheidbell's혈액man's이 그것을 손상시켰었던 곳에 이었다. 그리고 이 방법은 가을까지 거만하게 갔다.

Melville, supra


FM Cohen:

How to play music

Listen UP! I know some mother [fathers] that need to know some mother [fathering] math on this [material]. There is a war out there and the whole [fathering] world is about to blow the [father] up [people]. You hear? See this mother [fathering] chord up here? Know this [material] and when you here it again your sorry [posterior] had better not [remove] out of this peice. This is science. This is the NEW party. Canada don't not know no [material] about this. Wipe your necks off, the night is coming!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Profiles in Hypeness: Day Two

Sorry About Dresden: Wives and Babies and Shit

Mr. Oberst: I remember my favorite teacher. He smelled like beer.

FACTS! Sire of a brood of 12 (give or take a few), Mr. Oberst is best known as the father of John O, the world reknown harpist, cornerback (for Oklahoma St.) and PBS carpentry guru. Began own school for slightly less gifted children called St. Ehh, MBA Prep School. His first volume of short stories, "Tough Being Catholic," sold well and enabled him to have more children. The only person present at Sammy Hagar's deathbed--in Destin, FL--only he really knows what happened that night and what the Satin Knights final words were. Only Mr. Oberst was there to daub the globules of sweat from the tormented brow with a old red towel.

Be proud of that towel boy, be proud!


Entry for Eric Louis Roehrig on the IMDB:

1) Crazy About Velvet (2010) Ceaser O'Malley
2) 1,000,000,000,000 Roses and a Dog Named Tuggles (2010) Shop Owner
3) AFI Salutes Everyone That Has Worked With Eric Roehrig (2009) Himself/Evil Twin
4) "ER" (1994-?) Gen. Lucius O'Leary
5) Two Gallants (2008) Shop Owner
6) "The Billy Corrigan Story" (2007) Elvis Costello/Shop Owner
7) "Blind Date" (1999-?) Host
8) Weiland III: ResErection (2006) Carwin
9) New Jack City II (2005) Himself
10) Weiland (2004) Carwin
11) Japan by Night (2003) Jackie O'Fenway
12) Making of Revenge of the Sith (2002) Shop Owner
13) Smashing Pumpkins: Veiwphoria (1994) Himself


J. Roosevelt Helper:

I'm never lonely with MY BUDDY

I'm never lonely with My Buddy. (Award for the best photoshopping of this picture to be awarded at the show.)

Andrew McGowan: Little is known about this mysterious man from a mysterious place, and by little I mean more than I am willing to tell you, understand me. No, you don't. You and your family never could. You never could see past your tiny eyes and voracious greed, see deep into my heart and know that I only wanted the best for those prawns. The best for those startelingly large and well dressed prawns. And now what do we have? Nothing. Except for a government that is run by well-dressed and articulate prawns that listen to the people and give them what they want within reason taking into acount the needs of the oppressed and the desires of the unheard. Thanks, to you and your disgusting family. Put yourself in my shoes someday and walk around the block and then come back because I don't want you to take my shoes and then see if you can judge me the way I have you.

A Salty Salute

Robert Pollard does your Chinese Horoscope:


Drawing pictures, playing solos til ten. Are you amplified to rock? Are you hoping for a contact? Ai'll be with you, without you, again turn and run, the angel's calling.


The closer you are the quicker it hits you Try to be nice and look what it gets you Now you can see the boys dreaming, scheming. . .


Suck it up and win the game, Chew me up and spit me out, It's been a long ugly winter, I need a sunbath??Winning horse??


cold hands touching my face, don't hide - the snake can see you, old friends you might not remember, fading away from you


yeah you know things could get much worse, you know things could get much worse, could be better, yeah..


sharper than most, cut with exacto, gone is all good, ex post facto, ba-da-ba-da...oh, oh...


You must be willing just to ride along with me, You must be happy just to do the job for free, Yours for the taking if you follow simple rules, Such acts of subservience were never taught in schools.


the worst offense is intelligence, the best defense is belligerance


Your trail is quite a puzzle, And you are such a daredevil, And you are such a collector


man of wisdom and man of compromise, man of weak flesh in an armored disguise, all fall down


Bad luck anyway you call it


You could never be strong, You can only be free

Monday, September 27, 2004

Profiles in Hypeness: Day One

Cold Sides: They're a MotherFucker

C. E. Graves (a.k.a. hdrpnkgvrnmntwr): Known primarily through out the Southeast becasue of a crippiling frear of anitques.

CEG: Hey what kind of amp is that?

Person: Oh, it's a Fender VibroChamp

CEG: A reissue?

Person: No, a 1963.

CEG: (Speachless for a moment--then begins to scream)

*Favorite album: A cassette mix of microhouse remixes of "Walking in Memphis."
*Dream Date: Alayna Miles (black velvet, indeed!)
*Turn Offs: Pushy people, Pickled vegitables, antiques
*What Makes Him Hype: Knowlege of Dewey System


R. P. Biggers (a.k.a: Sonic Terrorist (Kat Stevens)): If someone is bleeding at a Cold Sides show, it is Mr. Biggers, or perhaps someone else, if they slip on some spilled beer while leaving mid-set. Or on spilt blood. Oh, that would be a mess.

Mr. Biggers is known in some circles as an award winning philosopher, and in other circles as someone who would never win a philosophy award. Never.

RPB: What is time? Is it part of this stream of imperceptibles that we interpret in our brain, is it objective or is it by thought analysis different. Can babies percive time? I don't know. I haven't asked them. Perhaps time is changing but it is also always changing into something it already was so it really isn't getting different. Maybe there isn't no time at all that doesn't not exist out side of that which isn't, by implicit association, non-existant as such.

Rossi: Really, dude, I just want to know if you are almost done in the bathroom. Cantwell needs to get to bed.

??? (a.k.a Nomad Stylo): Little is known about Mr. NS. Perhaps the most hype of all those of which hypness is applied. Can you name a sun from which all heat is recieved? Can you touch a black hole? I don't know and I am not sure that here is the place to ask.

Let me put it this way: earlier today I saw a picture of two guys from New Jersy without their shirts on standing next to a leathery 22 year old woman in a thong and tiara. This picture was pinned to the side of an clown that had blacked out who was in a box car headed for French Canada looking for work and a promise of a new beginning, far far away from the pain. This is but a speck in they eye of Neill.

*Favorite Album: Tones of Love by Astral Taco and the Symphonic Dragons (1978)
*Turn Ons: Everything
*What Makes Him Hype: The question is, is there any hypness left for anyone else?


C. M. Bob (a.k.a Dallas Diamond Eveready): Once a little boy sat on a mountain and spoke to the wind:

Blow, baby, blow: the new dawn
passes my fingers like a sparrow
who is homeless. Sup from the bosom
of a million cut toenails.

This boy then was put in a special after school program for trouble makes. He met a kid in a jean jacket who gave him a velvet pouch with a leather cup in it. In the cup was a key. The key opened a locker in a Durham bus station. In the locker was nothing. What a gip. Then, the next summer, after cutting yards, with a little money, the boy bought a Ramones record.

This was the boy we knew who had seen his mother naked a few too many times. And talked about it in the locker room after gym.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Pigs at work.


The Little Stick-Bug That Cried

Once there was a little stick bug. He was sitting on a mushroom crying. A large baby waddled up to it and said, "I know why you weep little stick bug." The little stick-bug, startled that the baby was on its own and understood its pain, said, "You do?" "Yes," the baby said, "You cry becasue you are a scary ugly beast that should be smooshed," and with that the baby crushed the stick-bug in his chubby fists, laughing, laughing and hopping up and down.

Later, the sun set.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Ridiculously Small and Cute Kittens

As you all probably know, I am often kind but also a vicious cat with ferocity. Plus the anthropomorphism. So I don't take kindly to interlopers.
But in front of my house there is a litter of small and ridiculously cute homeless kittens. Three black ones and two calico ones, plus their calico mom. Now, for all I know, these kittens are good to eat or at least chase halfheartedly. But my minions seem to want to find good homes for them.
If you want one, you can e-mail Register at the address listed under the profile.

Personal Time in Law School

Note from Chapter 3:

  1. What top UK pop star was eaten by ravenous Ukrainian babies over the weekend? Oh, wouldn't you like to know. Let's just say, if I am on a steamer from Jaffa in 1927 and the leader of the religious cult my husband has joined won't give me a raft to row to shore, it might be false imprisonment but it also might be PARADISE!
  2. As a child I loved pickled Bologna. I even got it from Christmas one year. Bologna wrapped up in paper. And a coloring book with a scary face in it. I love my grandparents. Professional infliction of metal anguish=duress: "the stock boy said, 'get it yourself. You stink to me.'"
  3. Trespass to chattels? But doesn't every dog get a bite?
  4. I am shooting my assault rifle over S--'s property. A duck lays down and pretends to be dead till I pass? A tort? How about if I am in a cave, tunneling slowly underneath Northpoint Prison? What else would you need to know (Does it matter that I can't grow finger nails?)?
  5. The doctor cuts off the wrong leg. You are a mannequin. Manna kin. Shit. Andrew McCarthy is kissing you. Your hand is in his back pocket but you find no career there. How did you get here? Then the alarm sounds and the guy who played Cpt. Harris in some, but not all of the police academy movies runs up slowly, slowly, with suds covering his face.
  6. The man, a nototious rake and scoundrel, creeps up to the lady and suggests they repair to behind the bushes and he make illicit intercourse to her while she reads. The lady goes insensible, faints, her [EDITED] and [EDITED] her [EDITED], her fingers go numb, she has to sit down and then the next moring expires. Is this assault? The court held: NO.

Thursday, September 16, 2004


If You Like Conspiracy Theories

Or: The Mark of Rove?

Probably not true, but still fun to think about.

Diddling Considered as One of the Exact Sciences

Diddling Considered
and . . .
Senior Photo

Rickity's Horoscope vs. Sweet RB's Horoscope


Even if you're not a jazz fan, you'll thrive in the coming week by using a modus operandi that resembles jazz. I suggest, therefore, that you improvise frequently. Experiment with intricate, strong, and playful rhythms. Infuse your yearning for freedom with humor. For further insight about how to proceed, meditate on the following clues from three jazz greats. Ornette Coleman: "Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time." John Coltrane: "You can play a shoestring if you're sincere." Miles Davis: "Don't play what's there, play what's not there."


"I lost the plot for a while," says a character in Nick Hornby's novel, High Fidelity. "And I lost the subplot, the script, the soundtrack, the intermission, the popcorn, the credits, and the exit sign." I'm betting you could have said something like that recently, Libra. The story of your life seemed to have been whisked out from under you and banished to the wilderness on the outskirts of limbo, where the wasteland meets no man's land. That's the bad news. The good news is that while you may never recover the plot you started with, you'll soon find a brand new one that's better than the original.


Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Not in School - Volume 1

just because I’m not in school doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to ramble on about such things. I’d love to, thanks. Is there any correlation between Dick Hebdige’s subculture: the meaning of style, the films of R.W. Fassbinder (In a Year with 13 Moons and The Marriage of Maria Braun in particular), and the music of Rob Hood, REM, and Justus Kohncke? Besides the fact they’ve all been on my plate recently? It’s all well and good to pursue incidentals of such high cultural value, but wouldn’t it be nice if they were married? Well, Germany – most of these things are directly related to germany. Fassbinder was the face of the New German Cinema of the 70’s, and he lived there most of his life. Justus Kohncke releases records on Cologne’s Komakt Records. Rob Hood is a Detroit-based techno artist who hydro-gov-war said “bridges Detroit and Berlin.” Much less directly, Hebdige claims the swastika was often accessorized as part of the punk style. As it suits the purpose of his book, there are different ways to “read” this “signifier” (the german swastika). You could make reference to the punks’ identification with the mythology of an evil german enemy – most characteristic of the punk style here would be the Enemy aspect. But the reading that rings most true is also the most obvious: the swastika was meant to shock. Maybe less obvious is the insight here that nothing is articulated through this “sign.” No message, no meaning, just the appropriation of something that shocks: a method of deceit. Okay, so the Deutschland is, well it’s not much to go on. It’s hip and i can be very impressionable, but what about REM? Why REM in the first place? Because I wanted to refresh on the production of ‘chronic town’ and ‘murmur’ mostly. But then I had to check out their newest stuff b/c I hadn’t yet. And it’s mostly bad. I like a few songs off ‘monster’ but after that it’s very rare to find something I like. the fist couple records have a spooky sound to them, random noises, wolf sounds, great reverb on the snare, etc. in contrast, jump 20 years ahead, the new stuff is dominated by an inappropriately articulate lyricist that has to have the lyrics written in the artwork. I do like the ambiguity of the old stuff – so that you can make what you ‘want’ out of it, or find what you find in it. Nostalgia! so even if GERMANY is a weak link to draw between all these things, can it actually be drawn to REM? [no, this has nothing to do with Audubon park, I’m sweet rb and I’m bored at work.] and I forgot to talk about fassbinder, probably the highest quality material I’m considering here. How about this: dicky Hebdige for culture-context, Justus kohncke for slap-happy funnin’, R.W. Fassbinder for epic theatre intimacy and distance, rob hood for minimal hypnotic deceptive effect, and rem for nostalgia-murk. How about that?

Friday, September 10, 2004

Live! Inspiration!

Right here. Not work-friendly. Not work-friendly.

Back to School--Volumen Trois (not to be confused with any law school bloggin')

Upon entry of class today, your narrator witnessed a dork named "Bagel" wearing a cowboy hat that had been fashioned out of a Coors Light 24-can box. Quite clever. As he chatted with the resident gorgeous hippie chick in the class, the two resident DUDEs in the class walked in and were quickly awestruck by Bagel's hat. It was sort of like the scene in 2001 when the apes discover the Monolith. The DUDEs, one clad in a Billabong shirt, the other in a trucker-style high school football team hat, couldn't take their eyes off Bagel's hat, jaws agape, as the walked across the room to sit next to this monumental hat, the closest thing to a monolith we have here at Duke. After sitting down, one of the DUD(E)s quietly asked, still in awe, "Is this a dagger I see before me?". Well, not really. Here's how the conversation REALLY went:
DUDE: Hey. Did you make that, or did you buy it?
Bagel: I bought it. Some guy tried to take it from me, that's why it's crushed right here (points to forlorn area of hat).
DUDE: .......
DUDE: I just want to hold it to see if I can make one myself.
(Bagel hands hat over)

At this point, the DUDE jerked stiffly upright as his hands touched the hat. A blinding light filled the room, and the DUDE was suddenly standing in a Christlike position, arms outstretched, light streaming from his eyes. He began speaking in tongues rapidly, and a huge cloud appeared over East Campus--it started raining Coors Light. Class was dismissed.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Casting Call

A short film of the novel Wieland will be made Tuesday, September 14 at 8:45 pm at the Old Well on UNC's campus. We are in need of actors, special effects technicians, etc. Please join us there if you would like to participate.

If you are unfamiliar with the plot of Wieland, it goes something like this:

Sometime in the mid-1700s, the father of two young children becomes a religious fanatic. While praying in his temple at the dead of night, he dies, consumed by an unexplained fire.
When his son (Wieland) and daughter (Clara) come of age, they convert the temple into a deck of sorts, for hanging out and parties. The son marries and the daughter falls in love with the bride's brother (Henry). All four young people start to hear mysterious voices calling to them at night, and they meet a strange man named Carwin. Clara begins to hear these voices in her closet, plotting to rape and kill her. Wieland becomes a religious fanatic, and hears a divine voice telling him to kill his wife, children, and adopted ward--which he promptly does. Though Clara survives the killing spree, it becomes apparent that Wieland wants to kill her and Henry, too.

Wieland is jailed and Clara learns that Carwin is a ventriloquist, and has been tricking the whole family by throwing his voice at odd hours (and hiding out in Clara's closet). (He explains that he's done these things to test their courage and their powers of perception.) Carwin fervently denies, however, that he ever threw his voice to prompt Wieland to kill anyone. During Carwin and Clara's final interview, Wieland escapes from prison and attempts to kill Clara (following, still, his divine directive to kill her and Henry). Clara convinces him, however, that it was Carwin's voice that prompted him to murder. Wieland, stunned that he's been duped (and stripped of the illusion that his murders were required by a divine commission), commits suicide.

The source of the voice prompting Wieland's killing spree, however, remains unknown.

Upcoming Events Come Up

Here are some doing in the Realm of the Tropic of Food:

1) CG&J, Gerty and Audubon Park will be playing at Oh La Latte on Saturday (9/11). This is a benefit for Ms Films. Here is what we said earlier. Please come. All are welcome!

2) The Nein will be playing with The Natural History and Bitter, Bitter Weeks on Sunday, September 12th, at Local 506.

3) Tropic of Food junior administrator, David Connerley Nahm, will be reading a story at Internationalist Books on Thursday, September 16th. He will be reading with Richard Butner, a writer of note from Raleigh. Both Mr. Nahm and Mr. Butner have been published in the well respected journal Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet.

Thank you,

Friday, September 03, 2004

Back to School III

My first week of law school has gone well.

At first I was afraid I would be called on in class. I didn't want to look foolish. But a week has gone by and I still haven't been called on and the same people keep getting called on. Is it because they are better looking or look attentive. Yes, yes it is.

I have become envious. I can't stand that other people are talking in class and I am not.

So I have developed ways that I can really get myself into the class action.

I drop things while people are talking. Pencils, notebooks, laptops. Then I say, "Whoo! That was loud and my bad you all. My B. I owe everyone a drink. GO HEELS!"

I sit outside of the professors' offices and study (cough into a paper towel I took from the snack bar). I use their bathroom too.

I write notes to them and slide them under their doors while they are trying to meet with other students. "Do you know what love is? -Whitesnake!"

I knock on their doors and thens run off--making a sound that is somewhere between a giggle and a scream.

I sit in the stairwell and weep.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Back to School--Volumen Dos

In which our hero further braves the jungles of ARTHIS 167, and encounters the rapids of Intro to Music Theory, Classical Piano, Japanese History, and the mall.

Try reading "Organicism and the Construction of a Utopian Geography: The Role of the Landscape in Anarcho-Communism and Neo-Impressionism". Upon first glance, it's a long title, one that takes a few minutes to sink in, leading your faithful narrator to wonder what he is doing (in general, that is). But slogging through, it's actually your basic tale of love and war, right and wrong, white and black, rock and roll. Excerpt: "In the end, then, the organicized, aestheticized utopias imagined by artists and anarcho-communists alike turned on the belief that by changing the conditions under which visual perception or social interaction occurred, one could likewise change the nature of those actions to promote social harmony and well-being. My cup runneth over and the dog ran away with the spoon."

Under all those big words is just a simple message trying to get out: "They wanted a McDonald's in France."

Onto the next: did you know that there was a period in Japanese history known as the Yayoi? As in Tony Yayo, the one member of G-Unit who is currently in prison, and therefore even more of a schmuck than the rest? Or wait, does that make him more "unit"? And there was a Japanese queen named Pimiko who bewitched her followers and looked like the queen from Aliens? And that you have to use math to figure out what a hundred-and-sixty-fourth note is?

As a preliminary assignment for "Music, Place, and Belonging" (a music class cross-referenced with cultural anthropology that talks about your music, your place, and your belonging), we are dispatched to "a mall of our choice". I provide the vehicle and brave the vastness of Southpoint with two classmates, who agree that the sticker saying "NUTSACK" that someone put on the side of my car is indeed funny. (author's note: the NUTSACK is not just a random's actually plastic testes that one can put on the back bumper of one's car to make it look, um, male. one of my classmates suggests that I replace the word "car" with the word "truck". I further suggest that I replace the word "testes" with the word "grundle".) Needless to say, the mall is frightening, but oh is there plenty of unseen irony to be found. Example: there are speakers sprinkled throughout the outside portion of the mall that are designed to look like rocks; upon passing these, John Cougar Mellencamp suddenly blares out "R-O-C-K IN THE USA!". Get it? It's no "Cherry Bomb", or "Little Pink Houses", but the song must fit the method of dispersal, no? See what a Duke education will get you? Free, unlimited use of the word "dispersal"! As in, "WHEN THE FUCK IS MY FINANCIAL AID DISPERSAL/DISBURSEMENT CHECK GOING TO ARRIVE SO I CAN FINALLY RENT 'NOTTING HILL vs. LEPRECHAUN'?!!"