AP Fancon 2005, Day One: A New Day Awakens

Greetings Fellow Fans of the once and greatious Audubon Park(for all time),

I am here to celebrate and notify you of the many numerous things that were witnessed and beheld at the first day of the meeting of the 2005 Audubon Park Fancon 2005. Overall, a grand time was had by many and only a few were deemed unseemly.

Before the fun could get under the way, there were some administrative items that needed to be clarified. The corrupt and villainous regime of former Audubon Park Fanclub president Gordish Horton was quickly ended minutes after the opening gavel by a rising up of the truest and most pure fans of Audubon Park. Horton and his minions had lined their pockets with our blood, sweat and their $3.24 increase in membership dues, all the while keeping the true righteousness of AP hidden. The brave heart that shone the light on this toliet of darkness was the brillant Linas Coombs. For his acts of heroics, he was named new President and Glorious Keeper of the Park. I, Madame Sally-Lin Chin-Coombs, was named Party Secretary, replacing the treacherous P. Myrtle Hogglesmith. The date Aug 2nd, 2005 shall be considered for always as day one of the glorious reign of Linas the Great. The Radisson Quad City Plaza shall be a holy place for us all.


Our beloved Linas.

Most believers missed the shameful resistance of the dog like Horton to the will of the believers, as they were enjoying the lovely buffet provided by the Radisson. The baked spaghetti was joyous. Those who had the shrimp cocktail complained of food poisoning. Clearly the work of Hordonite sabotage. Dinner was not included in our package. Another vestige of the fallen regime.

Buffet Away!

The glorious Linas quickly scrapped the frivolous Hordonite schedule of activities and implemented a glorious regime of discipline, reflection and worship. The Radisson pool was quite adequate for our immortal Linas to baptize us as we are born into the true light of AP fandom.

Entering the pure light of AP fandom.

Linas, the teacher, the immortal, the swimmer.

Local 506 owner Glenn Boothe is welcomed into the AP brotherhood.

Just because the just and true Linas is the chosen, magical future of pure light and energy, doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy a good time. He wrote and directed the AP players in the play, "Hordonite Backsliders Will Bathe in their Own Blood," which was enjoyed by all, as Linas commanded.

Act six: Gordish the lizard man rises.

Linas then commanded singing and lauging to end the night.

Singing, "Linas is the true and only dude!"

"Ha!"

The look of a true believer.

To be continued...

Keepin' it that way

Text of Note Found Crumpled on Side of Street

The saddest thing ever.

***

Hey [redacted]--

Hey little Boo, how your day. My doing fine. Well I need stop front and tell you the true. I really, really like you. I know I not your type, but something about you that I really like. I mean you Kool as White. You have beauty eye, and a sexy smile. I really like talking to you. I just want to tell. I know you don't have the same feeling. I might freak you out to hear. But I couldn't hide no more. So if you don't have a boy friend you not talking, how about we start talking, or me you hook up together. But you want a just to be friend then I understand. Well, that all I have to say. I talk to you later. By little Boo.

[redacted]

Scenes From a Detective Novel with Dialogue Composed Entirely from Rejection Letters I Have Received from Literary Magazines

It was the kind of night when the air was so heavy it felt like you were inside a dog. I was sitting at my desk. It was covered with coffee stained newspapers and ashes. I was staring out of the window into the starless night when there was a knock at my office door.

Without me saying anything, she came in. I knew from watching her turn the doorknob that someone would end up dead, or at least crying really hard.

She held out a picture of a man. I didn't even have to look at his mug. I knew what she wanted.

"I appreciate your interest," I said, "But am afraid that at this time, I'm going to have to pass."

***

As soon as she had closed the door to the seedy motel-room, she was on me like mold on tile. She took my hand and slid it over the cheap fabric of her dress. She had legs like a pale deer, shivering.

Our lips locked like two dogs on hot pavement. "This isn't right for us," she said as she devoured me.

I said, "While this isn't as terrible as I thought at first, I'm still afraid I can't--" but my voice trailed off.

***

My friend Lou--who owned the joint--brought another round to the table and asked if we needed anything else. I shook my head, looking at her ruined face in the dim light of the bar. "We're full for the foreseeable future. Thank you."

***

She held the letter up to the light. Through the wrinkles she got around her eyes when she squinted to read, I could see the young woman she once was. "This isn't what we are looking for," she said.

"Try again."

I pulled a photo from the box of a young woman with a child. I hand it to her. Her eyes got wide. "What the fuck is this!"

***

I pulled my gun and squeezed the trigger. Click. Nothing.

"Your piece doesn't quite work," the thug said with a snicker as she scurried away through the alley.

***

I told the antique dealer who my client was. He looked over the counter at me and I could see fear flit across his face like startled sheep. He got up, walked to the door and flipped the OPEN sign. "We are no longer in business," he said, and started to shuffle into the backroom.

I grabbed his arm and showed him the picture of the boy and his mother. "I can't give you specific feedback on this," he said, glancing around nervously. "But please feel free to try again at another time."

***

My back was against the fence, the barrel of the tough's pistol closer to my face than paint on lips. "As always, a nice try." He chuckled as he cocked the hammer.

My eyes, frantic, searched the darkness behind him for a way out, but I knew there was none. "I'm not sure what you are attempting here, but it doesn't seem to come together."

I tried to fast talk, but he cut me off. "I'm not interested in poetry. Only non-fiction."

***

I felt the words rushing from my mouth as I tried to explain everything had I found to her.

She says, "I am confused by the long section near the end. Nothing seems to hang together." She puts her hand to her forehead and I can tell she is about to faint. Then she begins to tell me everything I knew that she had been holding back.

I tell her, "Why don't you take some time to think about what you are trying to say."

***

Weeping she pointed the gun at his head. I pleaded with her, trying to get my voice through her tears. "This is not what we do."

She was shaking. "This is not right," she said and pulled the trigger.

I screamed, "No! No! No!"

***

As they carted out the bodies, the police sergeant put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry we took so long to respond."

It was ok. Sometimes you don't ever get a response.

Welcome New Affiliates!

America's Next Top Models

"We're an American band."

The name's Karl Rove, Jr. (no relation to the political figure) and I'm a rock journalist. I've been one for over two years so naturally I thought I'd seen it all. With this band, I got to see some of it again. They are called "America's Next Top Models" (no relation to the TV show or to the models) and for all appearances they are just another one of those offensive bands that aren't just liberal in their music and words, but even in one or two of their actions. This is still America, so I sat down to set them straight. I wasn't prepared for what I found. These are good people, no different than you or me or Jesus Christ. What a treat.

The following interview took place on July 4, 2005 just outside a planning meeting for the 2005 Commemoration Celebration of the 2004 Republican Convention.

KR, Jr.: I've noticed an almost political angle to some of what you do. Do you have something against the President?

Joyce: Oh, no. It's really all in good fun. We like to think of ourselves as a musical version of the Capitol Steps.

<>

[Editor's note: The Capitol Steps might be considered a musical version of the Capitol Steps.]

Anne: We help the audience to get into the political process, but to do so politely. We hand out campaign signs so they can have a fun, but polite, rally. "The laws of Men must bow before the Laws of Evan!"

Evan: "I'm Pro-Joyce!" (He wipes a tear from his eye, laughing at his own joke. This happened a number of times throughout the evening and I didn't bother to record them all).

KR, Jr.: You have a song called "Condaleezza." What whimsy! Is it about anyone real?

Anne: It's a tribute to the Secretary of State. I think the State in question is Wyoming. But it's also a tribute to all States, and most Secretaries.

Evan: Actually, the Secretary of State in this case is a national position, held by the person who sleeps with the President but if while that's happening the President gets a phone call from his wife the Vice-President is supposed to be all "Sorry, I think he's in a meeting." The Office is one of the few notable improvements in the third draft of the Articles of Confederation, AKA the Patrick Henry remix, which was mostly shoutouts and naming all these Virginian colonies so people would go "Oh shit, Williamsburg!"

Joyce: There are some people out there, like blackboxesvote.org or whatever her name is, who don't believe this Secretary was actually elected. We thought with all the controversy going 'round, and the negativism from all the negative nellies, she could use a pick-me-up. Maybe our song could be like a bouquet of flowers that picks you up. In fact, I call it a Makes-Me-Feel-Better Bouquet.

KR, Jr.: Well, nellyism is rampant in our country today, but I have to admit I don't know a single person who voted for her. And I have seen a lot of people's voting records. But let's move on. It's great that you covered "Born in the USA." Most people remember it from the 80s, when Bruce Springsteen wrote and performed it as an hilarious send up to Cheech Marin's moving "Born in East L.A." On repeated listens, I noticed some of the lyrics were different from either version. It got me thinking about memory loss because sometimes I can't remember the words to my favorite songs either. I hear drinking sodas from aluminum cans causes Alzheimer's, but then my buddy says the data isn't statistically significant. Evan's laughing, he knows where I'm going with this! Up high! [A high-five takes place]. I'm talking about the picture that goes with the song on MySpace--the one of W holding the megaphone--what's going on there? It looks pretty crazy!

Anne: That's a rather famous photo of him leading his squadron on maneuvers in New Haven. He was Captain of the Yale Yellers. They held back the evil tide of Communism by shouting "I see you there!" at any Viet Cong who set foot in Connecticut. The liberal media won't tell you, but they were 100% successful. There was never a single Vietnamese soldier in any part of New England during the entire conflict, whereas under Hanoi Kerry's watch the region he was assigned to was just crawling with them.

Joyce: Burn.

KR, Jr.: Good stuff. So, I know some of you have done some film work. Big deal.

(Collective silence)

KR, Jr.: ...and I noticed your silence was collective. But isn't the common silence's good best served by each individual working for his silence's best interest? I mean his or her silence's best interest, right ladies? [An awkward tap to Joyce's knee takes place].

Evan: I wholeheartedly agree. [A high-five takes place].

KR, Jr.: I understand you recorded recently, taking full WTO-style advantage of labor practices in Nepal. How was that?

Anne: It was really fun. They only have, like, three tracks in the whole country, but our engineer more than made up with it with his can-do spirit! He really responded to the beatings and even though he didn't get a break in more than 36 hours of "tracking," you could just tell that if he had had a watch he wouldn't have looked at it once.

Joyce: I used two different amps.

KR, Jr.: Another great song you have is this one that calls itself "Let's Hear it for Making A Tribute to the Oil." It's a valid point--it's always troops, troops, troops, but who's thinking of the oil?

Evan: Most definitely. We thought the message wasn't out there. And we thought, how can we get it out there? So you know what we did? We went and put it out there! [A high-five takes place, once it is clear nothing else will happen until it does].

Joyce: Although after "Union 2003" I've been way into hydrogen...



Joyce, of the band America's Next Top Models, is "way into hydrogen."

• America's Next Top Models can be found online at their space on MySpace. MySpace is a subsidiary of NewsCorp.


• The Capitol Steps, "the only group in America that attempts to be funnier than the Congress," can be found online at "www.capsteps.com". The site seemed to be down at the time this article was written (panic!) but hopefully the Steps will be back online soon and doing what they do best--making us smile and making us think about smiling about our wacky political scene!


• Call the President and tell him bang up job so far. His number is 202-456-1111. Note: the old lady who answers the phones is hard-of-hearing. Just yell from the moment you get a person and say "I gotta talk to the President!" Keep yelling no matter what.

Starkly

from the NATION SACK

What Happens When You Read "Return to the City of White Donkeys" While Terror Is in Your Face

For James Potato

"The time," the station speaker
was saying overhead, “is 6:18pm."
I opened the "Weekender" section to
check out movietimes. The guy
next to me on the platform,
covered in tiny checks and an
ID hanging around his neck on a chain,
was looking at movietimes too.
"Hey,” he said, motioning to his movietimes
and cocking an eyebrow. “Mine
are better, you should take a look
at these movietimes," though we were
holding the exact same copy.
"I'll trade you then," I said,
and snatched his copy from his hands
before he could agree. "You just fucked
yourself OVER" hissed through his teeth
as he snatched my copy of the Weekender,
just as I had done his.
"Wait,” I said. “Which copy did
you mean to take, mine or the one
I just took from you? Because I think
you just took my movietimes, which is strange,
since I thought you said your copy
is better?" Just then the kora player
began, plucking the instrument's
strings with both thumbs like weaving
two identical tiny quilts with the
joysticks of an arcade driving game,
using your thumbs to fire missiles and
clearing the cars from in front of you.
The man with my movietimes moved to give
the kora player some change.
"We can trade back, for real this time,"
I said to stop him. "I'll give you back your Weekender
movietimes if you promise to agree
that mine are as good as yours."
Silently agreeing, we slowly moved
the paper toward each other in a face-off,
my right hand moving toward his ribs and
his toward mine. Just before the moment of
hand-off we both froze, unconscious
as a Ouija board. He was looking at
me and spoke more steadily than before:
"I want to remember this moment." I said,
"The time is 6:20pm," and shrieking bells
tore through the tunnel.

=seBADoh=

This Friday is Sebadoh Day. Hooray!

The Smear Campaign Begins!

I just received this email in my personal email box:

To whom it may concern at the Tropic of Stupid or whatever:

I don't appreciate you attempting to drag my good name through the mud.

Your quote is not only out of context, it is complete bunk. I never named anybody.

I merely mentioned that Sandy Bjorkback's husband might be the torch marauder.

Mr. K. "you'll never pin anything on my ass" Rove

When will the smears, lies and tacticts end?

Mr. Rove says he first heard that the Torch Marauder was Dave Bjorkback from the "media (Trianglerock.com)." Novak confirms that Rove was his second source on the TM.

How high does this go?

ghost stories

ghost stories are the perfect thing to read on thunderstormy nights when dudes who are all about school prayer get nominated to the supreme court.* not that we'll necessarily have another night like that anytime soon, but here are some ghost story recommendations anyway.


--
* hey, do you law student types have any insights on this boringly-named guy?
also, i apologize for airing my political views on your blog!

NEWS FLASH

This just in off the AP News Wire:

Kentuckians eat junk food and are lazy. Will all die soon.

When will we stop being crushed by the onslaught of lies and distortions by the liberal media? I fully expect a long report on the mendacity of this whining bunch from B Martin Spiker by the end of the week.

Two New Babies

Please get to know one or both of the following:

The Wusses
Warmer Milks

One is a mellow ship of mellow dudes coasting across the seas of softness and the other is a mellow ship of mellow dudes coasting across the seas of softness--but only one of them draws skulls in ball point pen on their hands. Can you tell which?

The ArKELIS Fire

Neighborhood #5 (Milkshake) from Mr. Tim Ross and his Tuba City.

MORE STINGEWELL (w/special guests "the" nines)

Gaze upon this glorious image, which appears by demand. Another sighting of the world-famous Sir Stingewell (far right), who, flanked by his entourage (which includes musical group "The" Neen as well as one Donald T. Cooper [far left; resident of the population group "Canada"]), basks gloriously after narrowly escaping arrest by the Shaker Heights, OH, police department the previous evening. It seems that Mr. Stingewell decided to take a post-fireworks dip in a public pool on the evening of July 4th, and, once again with entourage in tow (minus one Casey G. Burns [2nd from left]), was confronted by an extremely bored group of "law" enforcement specialists. Once Stingewell's identity was confirmed, the group was let go with an ominous warning: "Don't mistake our kindness for weakness...tell all your friends we don't mess around in Shaker Heights."

9([{!!!}])9

This photo was taken by Stingewell's Aunt Jenny (from the block), who subsidized this particular evening's festivities (all those except for the very expensive and subsequently depressing ones that took place at the gentleman's club "Tally Ho"*.)

*emphasis on the "Ho".

BBQ

ATTENTIONS!

Sunday July 17

Erie Choir 8pm
Can Joann 9:15pm
Schooner 10:15pm

Local 506

FREE ADMISSION
FREE BBQ SANDWICHES
FREE MUSIC
FREEDOM

This is the first in a continuing(?) series of live local music shows sponsored by WXYC. All will be free. Some might feature food or records.

Erie Choir is first and will play music and be interviewed.

Craziness? Yes.

Free Summer fun for a life of no job, no money, no problems? Yes.

The Still Beat

Ladies--

Preferred Tropic of Food friend J. Harlan has a website with nothing on it yet. But there is a link to his myspace with some music. If you don't now, Harlan is a dear friend of AP and once let the Nein sleep at his house.

More to come from the man I predict will be huge in 2007.

Leaks

Hey Coop--
Dave Bjorkback is the Torch Marauder.
Love, "the blossom"

Death

Here is an interesting obituary. (from Isthatlegal.org)

The Nein dines with Stingewell's relatives--hilarity ensues

After being turned away at the border of our benefactorish country (Canada), The Nein decided instead to visit Aunt Jenny in Rochester, NY. The results were fruitful. Hotel suites, Thai food, and an exclusive screening of the massively redundant "War of the Worlds" (aka "Tom Cruise and Tim Robbins Take A Career Nose-Dive Face First Into a Steaming Pile of Cliches....Especially Tim Robbins--I Mean, Come On, What the Fuck Was HE THINKING When He Signed On For That Shit? Did Steven Spielberg Offer a Really Good Hummer (and not the kind you drive, wink wink nudge nudge saynomoresaynomore)?").

O'Connor Retires

Bush nominates Anne Gomez as replacement to "highest" court.



Ms. Gomez, in an undated photo, with her law clerk.

Supreme Court Refuses to Hear the Nein

In a shoking decision, the US Supreme Court has refused to hear the Nein on their upcoming East Coast tour. Though the Court gave no indication as to why they refused certiori, word on the street is they are saving up their money to see Good Charlotte when they role through.

Here are the Nein's dates--can there be justice?

sun jul 10 baltimore md ottobar bardo pond • the new flesh
fri jul 8 brooklyn ny the palace vaz • war slut • proton proton
thu jul 7 new york ny knitting fact. the close
wed jul 6 boston ma middle east big bear • tiny amps
tue jul 5 hamilton on the casbah
sun jul 3 pitts. pa garfield artworks the weather channel
sat jul 2 phil. pa the manhattan room the writing birds
fri jul 1 washington dc warehouse next door french toast • verbal