Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Welcome New Affiliates!

America's Next Top Models

"We're an American band."

The name's Karl Rove, Jr. (no relation to the political figure) and I'm a rock journalist. I've been one for over two years so naturally I thought I'd seen it all. With this band, I got to see some of it again. They are called "America's Next Top Models" (no relation to the TV show or to the models) and for all appearances they are just another one of those offensive bands that aren't just liberal in their music and words, but even in one or two of their actions. This is still America, so I sat down to set them straight. I wasn't prepared for what I found. These are good people, no different than you or me or Jesus Christ. What a treat.

The following interview took place on July 4, 2005 just outside a planning meeting for the 2005 Commemoration Celebration of the 2004 Republican Convention.

KR, Jr.: I've noticed an almost political angle to some of what you do. Do you have something against the President?

Joyce: Oh, no. It's really all in good fun. We like to think of ourselves as a musical version of the Capitol Steps.


[Editor's note: The Capitol Steps might be considered a musical version of the Capitol Steps.]

Anne: We help the audience to get into the political process, but to do so politely. We hand out campaign signs so they can have a fun, but polite, rally. "The laws of Men must bow before the Laws of Evan!"

Evan: "I'm Pro-Joyce!" (He wipes a tear from his eye, laughing at his own joke. This happened a number of times throughout the evening and I didn't bother to record them all).

KR, Jr.: You have a song called "Condaleezza." What whimsy! Is it about anyone real?

Anne: It's a tribute to the Secretary of State. I think the State in question is Wyoming. But it's also a tribute to all States, and most Secretaries.

Evan: Actually, the Secretary of State in this case is a national position, held by the person who sleeps with the President but if while that's happening the President gets a phone call from his wife the Vice-President is supposed to be all "Sorry, I think he's in a meeting." The Office is one of the few notable improvements in the third draft of the Articles of Confederation, AKA the Patrick Henry remix, which was mostly shoutouts and naming all these Virginian colonies so people would go "Oh shit, Williamsburg!"

Joyce: There are some people out there, like blackboxesvote.org or whatever her name is, who don't believe this Secretary was actually elected. We thought with all the controversy going 'round, and the negativism from all the negative nellies, she could use a pick-me-up. Maybe our song could be like a bouquet of flowers that picks you up. In fact, I call it a Makes-Me-Feel-Better Bouquet.

KR, Jr.: Well, nellyism is rampant in our country today, but I have to admit I don't know a single person who voted for her. And I have seen a lot of people's voting records. But let's move on. It's great that you covered "Born in the USA." Most people remember it from the 80s, when Bruce Springsteen wrote and performed it as an hilarious send up to Cheech Marin's moving "Born in East L.A." On repeated listens, I noticed some of the lyrics were different from either version. It got me thinking about memory loss because sometimes I can't remember the words to my favorite songs either. I hear drinking sodas from aluminum cans causes Alzheimer's, but then my buddy says the data isn't statistically significant. Evan's laughing, he knows where I'm going with this! Up high! [A high-five takes place]. I'm talking about the picture that goes with the song on MySpace--the one of W holding the megaphone--what's going on there? It looks pretty crazy!

Anne: That's a rather famous photo of him leading his squadron on maneuvers in New Haven. He was Captain of the Yale Yellers. They held back the evil tide of Communism by shouting "I see you there!" at any Viet Cong who set foot in Connecticut. The liberal media won't tell you, but they were 100% successful. There was never a single Vietnamese soldier in any part of New England during the entire conflict, whereas under Hanoi Kerry's watch the region he was assigned to was just crawling with them.

Joyce: Burn.

KR, Jr.: Good stuff. So, I know some of you have done some film work. Big deal.

(Collective silence)

KR, Jr.: ...and I noticed your silence was collective. But isn't the common silence's good best served by each individual working for his silence's best interest? I mean his or her silence's best interest, right ladies? [An awkward tap to Joyce's knee takes place].

Evan: I wholeheartedly agree. [A high-five takes place].

KR, Jr.: I understand you recorded recently, taking full WTO-style advantage of labor practices in Nepal. How was that?

Anne: It was really fun. They only have, like, three tracks in the whole country, but our engineer more than made up with it with his can-do spirit! He really responded to the beatings and even though he didn't get a break in more than 36 hours of "tracking," you could just tell that if he had had a watch he wouldn't have looked at it once.

Joyce: I used two different amps.

KR, Jr.: Another great song you have is this one that calls itself "Let's Hear it for Making A Tribute to the Oil." It's a valid point--it's always troops, troops, troops, but who's thinking of the oil?

Evan: Most definitely. We thought the message wasn't out there. And we thought, how can we get it out there? So you know what we did? We went and put it out there! [A high-five takes place, once it is clear nothing else will happen until it does].

Joyce: Although after "Union 2003" I've been way into hydrogen...

Joyce, of the band America's Next Top Models, is "way into hydrogen."

  • America's Next Top Models can be found online at their space on MySpace. MySpace is a subsidiary of NewsCorp.

  • The Capitol Steps, "the only group in America that attempts to be funnier than the Congress," can be found online at "www.capsteps.com". The site seemed to be down at the time this article was written (panic!) but hopefully the Steps will be back online soon and doing what they do best--making us smile and making us think about smiling about our wacky political scene!

  • Call the President and tell him bang up job so far. His number is 202-456-1111. Note: the old lady who answers the phones is hard-of-hearing. Just yell from the moment you get a person and say "I gotta talk to the President!" Keep yelling no matter what.


little kernel said...

Oh, this is just too precious! You've got me so entertained, I'm crying as I'm blogging, and the neighbors are starting to stare. I'll have to save this blog for special occasions when I have time to be this footloose!

dc nahm said...

This is unprecidented: I don't know who this comment is from. Perhaps we need to celebrate. I am going to try a different kind of salsa at Carrbburrittoss this weekend. Watch me. And thank you to the lil kernel--you make life worth living.

thisniss said...

You whiny liberals with your CIA-loving MSM are the reason God-fearing patriots like whistleblower Karl Rove are still waging the global struggle against violent extremism. I bet your wife has a job, too! And everybody knew her identity, anyway.

dc nahm said...

Hell yeah my wife has a job. That is why I have the fancy shoes.

RIKK said...


Anonymous said...

Wife here: ain't nobody knows who I am.

jon said...

puppy and kitten photo surfing tonight looking at puppy and kitten photo info, I happened across your blog. I had to say that I agree with it all!

Now back to my search for puppy and kitten photo information!


Anonymous said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a Free site Free Article Search. It pretty much covers real estate article related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi i am totally blown away with the blogs people have created its so much fun to read alot of good info and you have also one of the best blogs !! Have some time check my link of mobile game.

Anonymous said...

Keep it up. I enjoy your nice blog. check out my giant food store site. It pretty much covers giant food store related stuff.

Anonymous said...

Just thought i would say hi from Japan. Doing some blog surfing and found your site. Im looking for some cool styles of food guide pyramid for my own blog. Theres some really amazing blogs about. if you have time check out my site you will find information on food guide pyramid. Well when i get my blog running hope you come and check it out.

stony said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a online dating service site/blog. It pretty much covers online dating service related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

Anonymous said...

Great Blog! Ilike it.I have Totally Free dating site for singlesTake a look if you have a minute. Thanks and have a good one!

nope said...


I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Melissa and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my hubby is away in Iraq trying to protect this great country that we live in, and I am at home with our two kids telling bill collectors please be patiant. When my husband returns from war we will beable to catch up on our payments. We have already had are 2001 Ford repossessed from the bank, and are now down to a 83 buick that is rusted from front to back and the heater don't work, and tire tax is due in November.

I'm not asking for your pitty because we got our ownselfs into this mess but we would love you and thank you in our prayers if you would just keep this link on your blog for others to view.

God Bless You.

Melissa K. W.
To see my family view this page. My Family

Windows registry scanner - scans your Windows registry for errors and suggests solutions.

Paid surveys - Work at home, Get Paid For Your Opinion, paid surveys and online focus groups.

Combine AdWords and ClickBank for Huge Online Profits Words Great With Blogs