Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Open Letter to President George W. Bush, President of the United States of America

Dear Sir,

I write to you because of the ongoing problems with the nomination of Ms. Harriet Miers. She is a fine lady, I'm sure, but she hasn't really worked out, has she? No. She hasn't. Maybe you don't realize yet, and I hate that you have to hear it this way.

Anyway, so when Ms. Miers doesn't get through the Senate, and let's be honest, the only way she will is if she takes a tour with a high school group, why don't you consider nominating me to the Supreme Court. I know what you are thinking: "You're an America Hating Liberal, through and through." Perhaps, but I have my advantages, and I think if you hear me out, you will come around to my point of view.

Let me lay out my argument:

  1. Even though I don't yet have my law degree, I go to a pretty good law school that no-one would make fun off--except for Duke fans. Also, since I am still a student, I don't really have much of a paper trail for you to worry about. My memos for my writing class are politically neutral and based on imaginary hypotheticals. I have posted some comments on the internet, but those won't come back to bite me. I mean, who can find anything on the internet anyway. Right? I am clean.
  2. Though I am liberal, I am really suggestible and bow easily to peer pressure. I can see it now, my second day on the court and Scalia and Thomas are hanging around the front stoop of the Court with Roberts. They are wearing their letter jackets and listening to popular music on a boombox. I pass by, nervous, aware that I am a freshman and weak. One of them says, "Wanna beer?" I accept because I want to seem cool. Soon Scalia's hand is on my leg, Thomas has an arm around me and I am saying, "Yeah, I guess there isn't a right to privacy in the the Constitution. Maybe I should have studied more in Constitutional Law."
  3. I am a spiteful and pissy human. Small minded, bitter and find it pleasurable to wound people's feelings with my wit for no reason other than they are walking slowly or wearing a sweater. I like to take every opportunity I can to crap all over the hopes and dreams of the positive and hopeful. I think calling myself a strict constructionist, and then applying my strictness when it suits me and my agenda, would be a good way to do that.
  4. I know how to party and can stay up really late
What is in it for me, you my be wondering. I am not into the money or the power or the fame or the chariot pulled by gold-plated greyhounds. I am pure of heart and just looking for a job that I can't get fired from, no matter who little I do or how much I fuck up. I am a lazy man, able to make indecision seem like ambition and a total lack of desire to succeed seem like character. I know good and well that any job I get, for real, will some day fire me for one reason or another. On the Court I would be set--that is of course unless I get into some treason shit or something. I'm a pretty big fraidy-cat, so I don't think I'm going to get into trouble, though if misdemeanors in "high crimes and misdemeanors" means stuff like TP a house and harassing phone calls, we might have a problem.

Thanks for considering my plea. The balls are in your court.


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