Thursday, March 30, 2006

Overheard in Durham--Vol. V: "The Quickening", or "I'm Pro-LAX"

March 29, 2006
4:10 pm
in line for hot dogs on West Campus
(NOTE: let it be known before this entry that West Campus is now a madhouse of local and national news crews, vans, newscasters, people standing in packs hoping to be sighted waving behind a newscaster, newscasters spraying copious amounts of hairspray upon their finely coiffed newshelmets, despicable springtime hotties, burning buses [yes, a bus did burn on West Campus yesterday, and I saw it:

And if you haven't heard about the Duke lacrosse team gang rape (I love how people love to use that word in print but can't say it out loud--but then again, those 5 words have quite a ring to them: Duke-lacrosse-team-gang-rape), then you are OUT of the loop. Front page of the NY Times, bitches. Take that, Harvard!!!

So anyway, the scene:
Four dudes, three of whom are in flip-flops, one of whom is wearing Croakies, are in line discussing their collective drinking history.
DUDE 1: So, yeah, like that one time, I got that drunk, but I was SO sick beforehand.
DUDE 2: Yeah, and another time, that one time, like, I was so drunk, his (points to DUDE 3) room got SO demolished. Like more demolished than anything has ever been demolished. Like, he (points to DUDE 3) was passed out in his bed, and I woke up on the floor, and like got up and knocked EVERYTHING over, and then like found this sleeping mat and wrapped myself up in it and fell out on his bed. And, yeah, that's when my arm got broken, but no one knows how that happened, I was just like "Oh, fuck, why does my arm hurt SO bad?" when I woke up. And then when I came downstairs, your mom (points to DUDE 3) was like, "you guys".
ALL DUDES: ....heh....croakies....heh....

(a non-despicable, but aspiring-for-despicatude, hottie shows up)
DH: Heeeeyyyyy!!!!!
DUDE 1: You comin' to 'Zade's tonight? (This abbreviation indicates the restaurant Parizade's, a popular bad-fuck-hookup-hole with the Blue Devils)
DH: Oh, I don't know, I was thinking about it. Maybe you can convince me?
DUDES (at this point they're all the same): Oh, you should, totally. Hey, nice face time on the news yesterday! (apparently the DH was one of the many bimbos interviewed by the news about sexual assualt and race relations and such)
DH: hee hee
DUDES: Yeah, we had Tivo and when it came up on the screen like "Bimbo McBimbsalot" (editor's choice of name), we were like, "hey, we know her".
DUDE 3: Yeah, that was tight.
DUDE 4: Tight.
DUDE 2: Yeah, no one liked what I had to say, 'cause I'm pro-lax (LAX meaning the men's lacrosse team).
(the dudes swiftly lose interest in the thing in front of them that has a different chromosomal makeup attached to some hideous sunglasses and a push-up bra and starting talking to each other)
DH: Um, Ok. Bye?
(she walks away, and DUDE 1 KIND OF turns in her direction)
DUDE 1: 'ZADE'S!!!!
(conversation continues)
DUDE 2: So yeah, that one party, like he (indicates other DUDE) was really sick already, so he could only shotgun beers since his throat hurt so bad. He did like 15 of them.
(their turn with the hot dog man comes)
HOT DOG MAN: What'll it be?
DUDE 1: What do I want, man?
DUDE 2: He'll have a dog with cheddar, chili, potato chips, and Old Bay.

Are these guys just going to fuck each other with slimy hot dogs at the end of the day? How the fuck do these girls put up with this shit? More importantly, are these people going to mate? How dumb are THEIR kids gonna be?

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