The Misunderstanding

Husband: (Glancing up from a THANK YOU card) Honey, was it your Uncle Jacob who gave me the blender for my birthday?

Wife: (Looking at HUSBAND from the couch) It was a smoothie maker, dear.

Husband: Oh, right. (Looking back down) Smoothie.

Wife: (Tentatively) And--

Husband: What?

Wife: I'm sorry. I feel a little embarrassed about this, but his name is Charles.

Husband: Uncle Jacob?

Wife: Is Uncle Charles.

Husband: Charles Jacob?

Wife: No.

Husband: Jacob Charles?

Wife: No.

Husband: (Hand to forehead, perplexed) Wow. I feel like a real fool. I've been calling him the wrong name for eight--.

Wife: Six.

Husband: --years. No-one said anything.

Wife: I just didn't have the heart to correct you the first time you did it. It was Christmas--

Husband: Easter.

Wife: --and everyone was around and I didn't want to make you look like a fool. You were so nervous around the new family that first Christmas.

Husband: Easter.

Wife: After that there just wasn't a good time really to do it. I am sorry I never said anything.

Husband: Oh, you don't have to apologize. I'm the goof here. It's just that you have so many uncles --

Wife: Actually--I only have one. Uncle Louis.

Husband: But, Uncle Jacob?

Wife: Is second Cousin Charles.

Husband: Second cousin?

Wife: By marriage.

Husband: Second cousin by marriage? Is that even a real legal status?

Wife: I don't know. You can look it up tomorrow at the office.

Husband: The office? Oh, right. Well, actually--

Wife: What? Doesn't the firm have a Black's Law Dictionary or something?

Husband: I don't work at a law firm. I'm not a lawyer. I know you think that and really it was easier than trying to explain exactly what I do. You know the nuanced differences.

Wife: What do you do?

Husband: I service the Wiggler at the amusement park.

Wife: Oh.

Husband: Sorry. (Turns back to THANK YOU note)

Wife: You still had a fun birthday though, right?

Husband: Well--

Wife: (With disappointment) I didn't think you would want to spend it with my family.

Husband: No, it isn't that. I love your family. It's just that my birthday is not in August. It's April. April 4th.

Wife: Oh?

Husband: You got me that great stereo--

Wife: VCR

Husband: --when we first started dating and I didn't have the heart to tell you that my birthday was four months--

Wife: Eight.

Husband: --away. I'm sorry. (Rising to embrace her on the couch) I shouldn't have let it go so long.

Wife: No, no. It's fine. We've all done those sorts of things.

Husband: Right. The important thing is we have a blender--

Wife: Smoothie maker.

Husband: --that we can use to make our own baby food once the baby comes.

Wife: Oh, about that.

Husband: What is it?

Wife: I'm not--oh this is a little embarrassing--I'm not pregnant.

Husband: (Putting hand on her stomach) Oh, but--

Wife: Yeah. I have an eighteen year old son from a previous marriage. (Lifts maternity dress to reveal full-grown eighteen year old male clinging around waist, listening to walkman. He is covered in acne and frowns disapprovingly at HUSBAND)

Husband: Oh, wow. I never noticed him before. I don't know what to say.

Wife: I owe you an apology. You deserve better, a man as good as you are to me and my son.

Husband: Actually. I am a woman.

Wife: (Leaning closer and squinting eyes) A woman?

Husband: Yes. I'm sorry. When you asked me out I didn't have the heart to tell you I wasn't a lesbian and then after a few dates, well, there just isn't a good time to say, "We have to talk. I'm not a man." Hope you aren't angry.

Wife: No, not at all. I understand. To be totally honest, if I may--

Husband: Of, course.

Wife: I am--I don't really know how to put this--I am a gas powered weed eater. I didn't know how to tell you. Our courtship was so dizzying--I just got carried away forgot to say anything. Mad?

Husband: Oh, honey, of course not. I should have realized--you have such a petite figure. And you do love to spend Summer afternoons face- down in the long grass by the fence. And to think, all these years, I thought you were having an affair with the gardener.

Wife: I am.