Husband: (Glancing up from a THANK YOU card) Honey, was it your Uncle Jacob who gave me the blender for my birthday?
Wife: (Looking at HUSBAND from the couch) It was a smoothie maker, dear.
Husband: Oh, right. (Looking back down) Smoothie.
Wife: (Tentatively) And--
Husband: What?
Wife: I'm sorry. I feel a little embarrassed about this, but his name is Charles.
Husband: Uncle Jacob?
Wife: Is Uncle Charles.
Husband: Charles Jacob?
Wife: No.
Husband: Jacob Charles?
Wife: No.
Husband: (Hand to forehead, perplexed) Wow. I feel like a real fool. I've been calling him the wrong name for eight--.
Wife: Six.
Husband: --years. No-one said anything.
Wife: I just didn't have the heart to correct you the first time you did it. It was Christmas--
Husband: Easter.
Wife: --and everyone was around and I didn't want to make you look like a fool. You were so nervous around the new family that first Christmas.
Husband: Easter.
Wife: After that there just wasn't a good time really to do it. I am sorry I never said anything.
Husband: Oh, you don't have to apologize. I'm the goof here. It's just that you have so many uncles --
Wife: Actually--I only have one. Uncle Louis.
Husband: But, Uncle Jacob?
Wife: Is second Cousin Charles.
Husband: Second cousin?
Wife: By marriage.
Husband: Second cousin by marriage? Is that even a real legal status?
Wife: I don't know. You can look it up tomorrow at the office.
Husband: The office? Oh, right. Well, actually--
Wife: What? Doesn't the firm have a Black's Law Dictionary or something?
Husband: I don't work at a law firm. I'm not a lawyer. I know you think that and really it was easier than trying to explain exactly what I do. You know the nuanced differences.
Wife: What do you do?
Husband: I service the Wiggler at the amusement park.
Wife: Oh.
Husband: Sorry. (Turns back to THANK YOU note)
Wife: You still had a fun birthday though, right?
Husband: Well--
Wife: (With disappointment) I didn't think you would want to spend it with my family.
Husband: No, it isn't that. I love your family. It's just that my birthday is not in August. It's April. April 4th.
Wife: Oh?
Husband: You got me that great stereo--
Wife: VCR
Husband: --when we first started dating and I didn't have the heart to tell you that my birthday was four months--
Wife: Eight.
Husband: --away. I'm sorry. (Rising to embrace her on the couch) I shouldn't have let it go so long.
Wife: No, no. It's fine. We've all done those sorts of things.
Husband: Right. The important thing is we have a blender--
Wife: Smoothie maker.
Husband: --that we can use to make our own baby food once the baby comes.
Wife: Oh, about that.
Husband: What is it?
Wife: I'm not--oh this is a little embarrassing--I'm not pregnant.
Husband: (Putting hand on her stomach) Oh, but--
Wife: Yeah. I have an eighteen year old son from a previous marriage. (Lifts maternity dress to reveal full-grown eighteen year old male clinging around waist, listening to walkman. He is covered in acne and frowns disapprovingly at HUSBAND)
Husband: Oh, wow. I never noticed him before. I don't know what to say.
Wife: I owe you an apology. You deserve better, a man as good as you are to me and my son.
Husband: Actually. I am a woman.
Wife: (Leaning closer and squinting eyes) A woman?
Husband: Yes. I'm sorry. When you asked me out I didn't have the heart to tell you I wasn't a lesbian and then after a few dates, well, there just isn't a good time to say, "We have to talk. I'm not a man." Hope you aren't angry.
Wife: No, not at all. I understand. To be totally honest, if I may--
Husband: Of, course.
Wife: I am--I don't really know how to put this--I am a gas powered weed eater. I didn't know how to tell you. Our courtship was so dizzying--I just got carried away forgot to say anything. Mad?
Husband: Oh, honey, of course not. I should have realized--you have such a petite figure. And you do love to spend Summer afternoons face- down in the long grass by the fence. And to think, all these years, I thought you were having an affair with the gardener.
Wife: I am.
